Just Another Day

And there's no guarantee...that leaving town's gonna set us both free 

But staying here it's just not what we need ...staying here it's just not what we need.

--At Full Speed, Jack's Mannequin

Had one of those days...couldn't get my head straight. Accidentally slept through work after getting something around 3 hours of sleep last night...had to be around people I just don't want to be around and now I can't sleep. It's midnight and my mind just won't shut off. I feel like I'm running and can't stop. I feel like I write and ramble about the same things over and over again on here...the same shit seems to get under my skin every time. 

Am i really a terrible person if I don't associate myself with those who have no respect for themselves? Does that make me judgmental and a hypocrite? I realized tonight that these pathetic bitches are happy, they choose to live so much in the moment and care nothing about what the future holds...but they are always happy. They always have a friend around, someone to call, no worries about anything; they're always smiling. Am I wrong to think it's not fair? I'm happy with where I'm going with my future...happy with Kat and Nicky Garcia as two of my best friends...happy with Nick who gives me butterflies daily...but for some reason i feel disappointed about things in general. Let's be honest the whole soccer thing is something i'll never be okay with and the last two posts have been excited events that were fleeting moments of distraction. I'm still in what I call "escape mode". Trying to figure out who I am, what I want and with that intense need to just get away. Wish things would just figure themselves out already...these are the days I want to stay in bed and shut everything and everyone out.

Miss and love you nicky. AZ is just too far away.

Parachute

Well, I'm not sure what this is gonna be,
But with my eyes closed all I see
Is the skyline, through the window,
The moon above you and the streets below.
Hold my breath as you're moving in,
Taste your lips and feel your skin.
When the time comes, baby don't run, just kiss me slowly.
--Kiss Me Slowly, Parachute

Thanksgiving has now come and gone and after the past few months I hope things are finally looking up. Only two more weeks of school and a really good chance to get a newer and better job...plus the new boy that keeps me on my toes. It's funny...I'm starting to forget about soccer and how bad things have been. I'll never forget my grandfather and the void left in his death is one that won't be filled. It's the bumps and bruises that make life meaningful and worth every moment. Without them I wouldn't be the silly girl with crazy aspirations, different ways of thinking, and odd sense of how life should go I am today. I guess I realized how much i do have to be thankful for here lately, in the midst of the negative, I found something to look forward to and a reason to be hopeful.

butterflies are back. he's always on my mind. this could be the start of something good and i get the feeling it will work this time. things are right. it feels right. 

miss and loves you best friend!

Slow and Steady

“Whatever you’re doing, you must have patience...there is no progress without change, so you must have patience.”

--John Wooden

They always tell you that patience is a virtue, that the best things in life are worth waiting for. For once...I agree. There are those times or days where things are just right. You go with the flow and let the chips fall where they may and then...it hits you. Things click and as scared as you are you go for it. You make the jump and hope to God you didn't waste the past few months slowly letting your feelings show. Sometimes you get unlucky...other times, it pays off and you meet someone amazing who returns your feelings.

Slow and Steady...it's great.

Love you Nicky. You're my bestie.

Looking Up

You've made a lasting impression, and if it doesn't feel right that I just can't go on.

I've been sleeping with the lights on so if I wake in the night...your picture is clearly in sight.
--The Starting Line, Lasting Impression

I played futsal tonight...it was amazing. I don't care how potentially unsafe it was, how crazy I might be for doing it, or how mad coaches and family might be. I felt alive on the court. The ball at my feet and my mind on the game...it's simply perfect. It's all I want. It was the best therapy for the past few weeks. It gives me a reason to smile..a reason to believe.

This past weekend I got yelled at by a group of girls at a party...the extent being for me to go home because I had no friends. Stupid right? Then i hear that the ring leader sent my roomie a text basically saying I was a downgrade for any guy to be with. A bit extreme on her bitch side. Worst of all...my supposed best friend Crutch stood by and let them yell at me. That hurt the most, especially when he blamed it on me. Let's be honest, if you know me at all or have taken time to read my previous posts you'd know i'm the least confrontational person you are likely to meet. I don't let the words bother me, just with I had a better friend. Seems like I'm back to the Kevin situation all to well. Excuse my bluntness but the pussy seems to always win; friendship is overrated anyways right? Oh, did i mention i got a speeding ticket too? My string of bad luck needs to end...and 2012 needs to help me start anew.

Despite the negative weekend...things are starting to look up. I got to play again, my workouts are amazing, and I'm doing better in classes. Hopefully some other things get better too but that entry may have to wait. Thanksgiving is around the corner too...going to North Carolina again and I'm running in a 5K too. I'm looking forward to seeing the family and having time to just let go for a bit.

love and miss you Nicky. always.