“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I don't know what or who has been messing with my psyche here lately but i've been considerably stresses for the past two weeks. I thought it was maybe missing some of the friends that have yet to move back or the inconsistency between work, babysitting, and workout schedules. needless to say it's not. i enjoy working and staying busy and i was missing friends for no point. I've been wasting time worrying about them. I want school back. I want my days to start at 6am with a run, transition to classes all day, move to work for a few hours, and finally end with homework and a warm bed. That leaves zero time for useless people and their bullshit. equals me winning and reaching my future all the sooner.
i don't feel like i have to say anything else. this sucks. and i don't want to deal with it anymore.
Dedication takes a lifetime
But dreams only last for a night
-All Time Low
Found myself drowning in countless songs tonight. Angry songs, depressing songs, songs that remind you there's more to life.
I went to the doctor again today. cleared up a lot of medical issues i've been dealing with, got refills on prescriptions...then she brought it up.
Everyone knows soccer is a tender issue for me. i'd give anything to keep playing. i'd give anything to be healthy and capable of losing the fear of disappointing and hurting my friends and family. She asked me what i wanted to do...obviously a dangerous question. of course i want to be on the field. but of course, i want to live to a ripe old age and be able to tell my kids and grandkids about my love of the game. so many times people tell me to worry about the future but to live in the moment because tomorrow isn't a guarantee. so i'm lost. completely and utterly lost. i can't describe the physical and emotional and psychological pain it is to not have the game; to not have a practice or game to look forward to...something to fall back to when nothing else makes sense or isn't right. rain or shine. right or wrong, it's been there. i want it to stay...but i'm tired of being hurt. i couldn't tell my parents i'm in turmoil because i know they worry. i know they want me to have a full happy life of no regrets and i know what the uncertainty of my health and well being while on the field has done to them in the past. and some of the closest friends i have asked that i think about it, acknowledging that they're scared and want me to be safe.
then i hear these lyrics...dedication takes a lifetime. dreams only last for a night. soccer's always been more than a dream to me. it's my reality. i dedicated seventeen or so solid years of commitment, blood, sweat, and tears to the field. my dream of playing again has haunted me for more than just one night..i've been battling this demon since the night i got hurt. so my question remains...what the fuck am i supposed to do?
it's a whole new year. new chances to start over and that much closer to figuring out where i'm going, what i want, who i am. same post, different day.
this last year...especially the fall, was extremely difficult for me. got yet another concussion, lost my dog, lost my grandfather, and dealt with another failed relationship attempt. i like to think of myself as careful and guarded enough to make the right decision and take the necessary time and steps to think things through. that should set me up for more success right? yeah, i've proven that extremely wrong. I didn't want to ever think that i could be pigeon holed into a certain mold...but lately i feel like i have. it's like everyone has an assumption of what kind of person i am and how i hold myself. i've spent the first couple days of the new years thinking about everything i want to change...only to realize the overwhelming difference between wants and needs.
so now the question is...what do i need to do...what do i need to change...what do i need to be.
