Dreams Only Last For a Night

Dedication takes a lifetime
But dreams only last for a night
-All Time Low


Found myself drowning in countless songs tonight. Angry songs, depressing songs, songs that remind you there's more to life. 
I went to the doctor again today. cleared up a lot of medical issues i've been dealing with, got refills on prescriptions...then she brought it up.

Everyone knows soccer is a tender issue for me. i'd give anything to keep playing. i'd give anything to be healthy and capable of losing the fear of disappointing and hurting my friends and family. She asked me what i wanted to do...obviously a dangerous question. of course i want to be on the field. but of course, i want to live to a ripe old age and be able to tell my kids and grandkids about my love of the game. so many times people tell me to worry about the future but to live in the moment because tomorrow isn't a guarantee. so i'm lost. completely and utterly lost. i can't describe the physical and emotional and psychological pain it is to not have the game; to not have a practice or game to look forward to...something to fall back to when nothing else makes sense or isn't right. rain or shine. right or wrong, it's been there. i want it to stay...but i'm tired of being hurt. i couldn't tell my parents i'm in turmoil because i know they worry. i know they want me to have a full happy life of no regrets and i know what the uncertainty of my health and well being while on the field has done to them in the past. and some of the closest friends i have asked that i think about it, acknowledging that they're scared and want me to be safe.

then i hear these lyrics...dedication takes a lifetime. dreams only last for a night. soccer's always been more than a dream to me. it's my reality. i dedicated seventeen or so solid years of commitment, blood, sweat, and tears to the field. my dream of playing again has haunted me for more than just one night..i've been battling this demon since the night i got hurt. so my question remains...what the fuck am i supposed to do?