In the End

There’s two kinds of people, those who try and those who don’t
And only time will tell which one you were
And it’s alright if you don’t know which way you’re gonna go
Just don’t be afraid to feel it all

*Keep on Wanting - The Fray*

It sucks sometimes. Feels like you're doing well, everythings great...then the past creeps in. I know it's impossible to just forget things that happen, but moving on is possible. right?

so why does it bother me so much? its not like i can take anything back or change what i did...feeling like this sucks. some days its easier to let go, to keep the negativity at bay. other days its overwhelming and i absolutely hate myself. 

in the end the only person i can blame is myself. and the only person that can help me through it is me. i just need to be unafraid to feel the shame, hurt, and pain.

Two years later

it's been two years since my last post.
To say a lot has changed is an understatement.
Recently I've found a new job, and am finishing up my second year of a masters degree.

so where did the time go? i find myself asking that question at least once a week. the 2013 was less than a positive year for me. i found myself getting into stupid relationships, disappointing people who had stood beside me my entire life...definitely one of the darker times of my life. luckily i was blessed with hitting rock bottom...ironic i know.

i've come along way since then. working a great job, helping kiddos again. better relationships with family and friends. and then there's Jason. words can't express just how amazing he is. it's been about four months but i feel like i've known much longer than that. i owe a lot of my new found confidence and happiness to him.

i really want to get back into the blogging. even if no-one reads it. putting my emotions on pages...it helps.

Letting Go

Letting go isn't easy, especially when you blame yourself...but sometimes, it's all you can do. I hope you find what you are looking for...I hope you find that smile i fell for again.

Unexpected

Only reason I made it through today was because of you Nicky. Your my best friend and I have no idea where i'd be without you. 19 hours away and you're the one I can count on. 

It's unexpected...how one thing comes and changes everything. Even more unexpected when you realize it never really came, never really left, it has simply just been. Inside you, apart of you, there. Maybe you never looked hard enough before, or maybe you were trying to see past it...but either way it's apart of you.You realize how much you need it, rely on it, live for it; it becomes such a dominant part of you that when you breathe, when you move, anything at all, is driven by this one thing. Pushing it away is no use. You always always find your way back...even if just for one night and one dream. it eventually becomes all you have left to push you through.

It's Been Awhile...

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

--Safe and Sound. Taylor Swift

it's been quite sometime since i've been on here...life's really taken hold of me and made me too busy to think the past few months. Sadly, I hope I can keep it this way. Drama has still found a way to catch me off guard, make me stumble along the path i'm on. Soccer's forever gone...i'm beginning to learn to live without it. I miss my best friend more than ever. Seems like I can't get to the top of this hill i've been on for what feels like quite sometime. 

but i'm back blog world. i'll try to do my best to keep it updated again...forgot what a good outlet it can be.

Structure

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson


I don't know what or who has been messing with my psyche here lately but i've been considerably stresses for the past two weeks. I thought it was maybe missing some of the friends that have yet to move back or the inconsistency between work, babysitting, and workout schedules. needless to say it's not. i enjoy working and staying busy and i was missing friends for no point. I've been wasting time worrying about them. I want school back. I want my days to start at 6am with a run, transition to classes all day, move to work for a few hours, and finally end with homework and a warm bed. That leaves zero time for useless people and their bullshit. equals me winning and reaching my future all the sooner.

i don't feel like i have to say anything else. this sucks. and i don't want to deal with it anymore.