Take a chance...

I found myself stuck on tumbler the past couple of nights...unsure of how to write what i'm feeling, unsure of which emotion to express. so, here i am staring at the computer screen and words escape me. Good thing pictures are worth a thousand words...

this last one means a lot...i'm ready to make that leap and never look back.

I miss you Nicky. everyday.

Sing Along

"My heart's a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every note, oh oh.
Make me your radio
Turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
Just sing along to my stereo"

--Stereo Hearts

I never get tired of music. It's the words I can't say, the feelings I can't describe; they come out in music, in lyrics...in the melody. It really kills me that I've never been musically talented. I can't sing, can't play an instrument, can't even dance. If there is one talent I would love to have it would be to somehow musically inclined. Playing the piano is a dream I've always wanted to accomplish, but have fallen short on time and time again. It's sad...but I've promised myself that the kids I have someday will learn how to play. 

This was possibly a meaningless post, but with the stress I've been feeling the past few weeks music has been my only solace. Putting in the headphones and shutting the world out, alone in my room, it's perfect. I'm still going back and forth to the doctors trying to figure out what's wrong, playing on a broken toe, dealing with drama...Freud would find my unconscious in total chaos right now. An epic battle going down between the id, ego, and super ego.

Oh well...homework beckons. Headphones in, world off for one more night.

I miss you Nicky.

Mirror On the Wall...

With everything happening today
You don't know whether you’re coming or going
But you think that you’re on your way
Life lined up on the mirror don't blow it
Look at me when I'm talking to you
You looking at me but I’m looking through you
I see the blood in your eyes
I see the love in disguise
I see the pain hidden in your pride
I see you’re not satisfied
And I don't see nobody else
I see myself I’m looking at the
Mirror on the wall, here we are again
Through my rise and fall
You’ve been my only friend
You told me that they can understand the man I am
So why are we here talkin’ to each other again

~Lil' Wayne ft. Bruno Mars~

This song is perfect for me right now. Biggest obstacle is myself, person holding me back the most is myself. My sister and bestie Nicky have noticed that I'm just not happy as of late. Soccer, school, friends, family...nothing gets it right. I have no one to blame but myself, and I can only trust myself to fix it.

Time After Time

Another game...another injury. This time I'm in a boot.

I've held it together thus far, but come bed time and the more tired I get the more strength and positive thinking I'm losing. I should be used to this by now...it's so frustrating. I don't want to throw in the towel but I'm so tired of it always happening to me.I'm at the point of giving up...time after time I can't seem to catch a break.

Ramblings...

"The greatest battle is not physical but psychological. The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good. They must always be answered by the quiet, steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage. We all suffer. Keep going.

--Graeme Fife

I love this quote, I think it shows how I'm feeling without me having to say anything. 

I've been borderline angry and upset for the past two weeks now. Soccer is in full swing and of course I can't get into a season without some type of injury. This time it's the hamstring...strained it in the last eight minutes of the game and haven't been able to walk properly for two days. But we have a game Friday...so I have to push through it. Aside from soccer I'm still dealing with medical issues and have yet to find an answer or solution to what's going on inside my body. And I haven't been showing how completely drained I am...mentally, physically, and emotionally just exhausted from everything day in and day out. Add classes to the mix. Great combination right? Such an exciting existence for a twenty year old. Guess I did ask for it...I chose my major, a stressful job, to play soccer...all of it. 

I go through this every season it seems now; questioning why I am still playing...if I love the sport and if I love psychology. I always find my way back to the field and books but...one of these days I'll be ready to let go.

This post is dragging on...there is so much to say and so much that's been on my mind. I've come to the aid of a good friend several times in the last month because of stupid girls...constantly telling him how much better he deserves. He flipped the script on me; tried to start a relationship. I felt and still feel like a complete bitch for telling him no, telling him that our friendship is more important to me...that I'm just not attracted to him. Come to find out that this girl is still texting him and three other friends of mine. They all fell for it too. Seriously. Maybe I'm picky or too shy and not to sound like a high school lonely girl but goodness gracious WHY!? So many times I hear the complaints about sluts or mean girls...so many times I've been the shoulder to cry on for my boys. Where in the world did I cross that friend zone boundary with almost every boy I meet. It's absolutely frustrating. How people can treat one another with so much disrespect...how they can throw away perfectly good chances at relationships and then complain and expect sympathy that they are alone or got hurt. I don't understand it. I've been told I'm the kinda girl you take home to mom. Not the kind you date and have fun with no, the girl who was always your friend, hanging in the background helping you get through shit...the girl you marry.Sure as hell can't marry me if you won't take the time to open your eyes and give me a chance.

Gahhh...I'm done. Rambling is through for today.