Stuck!

I can't find any therapy to make me feel better other than running. and dreaming of running away. I wish it was possible that my body never tired. that I could just push further and further until everything was behind me, too far gone for me to look back on. I keep writing about starting over and going back to basics...and part of me thinks I've taken the first steps necessary to do so, but part of me is also telling me that I have to shut the door entirely to the past, running to a new place where no one knows my name, knows my mistakes, knows my weakness...knows anything about me. I'm not good at being the new kid, but I'm old enough to deal with it now, to find a way to cope with change. You might ask why I don't just deal with it here, but the thing is, people are so set in their ways of seeing me today that they won't ever notice or care about any differences I make...

I guess what I'm saying is what I've been saying from day one. I'm a dreamer, I'm a runner...I'm a can't settle down, I'm a let me go kinda girl. That won't change until I find my place in this world. Til then...I'm another lonely soul dreaming dreams and gazing at stars hoping one day things will be different.

Get Lost

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”
--Dr. Suess

Not a moment goes by when I finish reading a book that I don't just stop and think...wow. I wish life were like the stories I read, I wish time flew by in my awkward moments like it does when I'm reading. I never get tired of it and I could honestly read the same books over and over again. My book shelf is full of tattered and worn pages, displaying their abuse from constant page turning and travel in purses proudly. I'm truly mesmerized by libraries and feel like I could spend as much time discovering the secrets of books store corners that other girls could spend in Forever 21 or the Buckle. The nerd in me finds a joy in reading that will never die...from fairytale and love stories to adventure filled fiction and non fiction brain teasers, once I start I can't put them down. I have tons of memories filled with reading during 16 hour family vacation drives to North Carolina, snowy days spent wrapped under blankets...lost to the world for hours on end. I fell in love with reading when i was pretty young, and I don't see the perplexities found in turning each page becoming any less appealing as time goes on. 

As you can guess, I've been reading a lot lately. Finishing about three books this week, with plans to spend a bit of my first paycheck from my summer counseling job in the book store. If the weather weren't so rainy, I would spend my memorial day weekend on the balcony with a good book...hopefully it clears.

"We read to know we are not alone."

--C.S. Lewis

Back to Basics

"there comes a time when you realize...maybe I was wrong; maybe everything I wanted isn't everything I need. when that time comes, all you can do is start over; when that time comes, all you can do is try again"

I'm starting over. Going back to the basics. I've realized that the complications and stress in my life is entirely my fault. I let too much in, let too much go, and try too damn hard at pleasing everyone around me. It's left me drained, far from happy, and with an unending desire to feel nothing.

Starting over...no more wanting what I can't have, no more deluding myself into thinking that the people I care for most are ever going to feel the same; no more holding onto the dreams that have long since passed me by. Starting over...finding myself again; trying to understand who I am, what I stand for, what makes me. 

Maybe it's stupid, maybe it sounds like I'm whining...maybe I am. That's just it, I don't know what I am anymore. I used to be so sure of myself, so confident about where I was going and what I was doing. These days I feel more lost, confused, and lonely than anything else...the worst part being that I wish I could run away further. Run from Kansas, run from the United States altogether. I've always hid behind books, behind soccer, behind this stereotyped idea of being shy and innocent....I'm sick of it. I know where and when I became how I am. I've memorized the names and faces. The friends I've lost along the way, the scars that tell my stories...I know one day I'll look back on the memories. I'm scared that those memories might make me regret the choices I made. I don't want to regret anyone are anything I've chosen.

I'm tired of feeling lonely...so I made the decision to try again. Rebuilding myself from the inside out. I'm using this summer as the first step. Running every day to work out frustrations, working to be a better friend and not isolate myself...every aspect of me will hopefully get better. I hate when people tell me I'm too good or too nice for them, that I'm perfect. I'm far from it. But for once I'm making changes that I want, that I need. I still think my motto that living for others applies here...it'll just be combined with making myself a better person.

I'm not sure why I posted this. Why I even wrote. I was just feeling so ughh that I needed to write...

Graduation

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.”
--Dr. Suess

Well, it came before I ever expected it. My little brother is graduating this weekend, the Beebe's will soon be empty nesters. It's weird to see that the youngest of us is ready to get out and grow up. He'll be at kstate and not too far away, but the idea that he'll be in college kinda scares me. I remember when I was in his shoes, the excitement and the nerves leading up to frustration in time passing slowly and then ending in disappointment...in my case at least. I still believe USM is not the place for me, but i'm reserved in crossing my fingers for grad school being where i finally break the mold. 

Congratulations little brother, I hope this is an amazing adventure for you :)

Fresh Start

“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.”

It's official, I'm moved into m new apartment with my new roomies and life you couldn't be better right now. I've started working full time, running everyday...and finally feeling free. I finally feel like I've got opportunity to be myself and let go of everything that's been holding me back...

so here's to starting over. here's to feeling alive again. here's to making a change. here's to growing up. and never looking back.

destination unknown.

"i had to let you know that I am out here own. I could swear that I'm alright but in truth I'm just alone, I'm just alone. And I suppose that this could end in the same way that it all began...you know, well back in my heart. It's not a matter of where you've been, or what you think, or who you're with. It's a matter of your heart.
--On My Own, Ben Rector

My heart isn't right here. My heart belongs traveling the world.

Just send me anywhere away from here.

Take Me Away...

Take me away to January
I'm done with this year, I'm tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home
There's gotta be something else out there for me
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream
There's more than this Midwestern town
I can't let this place keep me down

--Take Me Away, Chase Coy

Do you ever get that sense that you just don't fit in? That no matter how hard you try to make things work and how hard you try to make others and yourself happy...that is just doesn't work. it doesn't happen. and you can't catch a break? I broke down today, fell absolutely apart. i've been trying to graduate a year early for a few months now...researching classes i needed to take and where i could get them transferred from. then today when i went to register i could only take two courses. so i'm stuck, stuck in the one place i don't want to be. 

it's not secret that I don't fit in here. I'm an ultra conservative Catholic in my beliefs and a total type A personality. I see in black and white...in right and wrong. I'll admit i'm usually really judgmental too. i can't stand when people make excuses for decisions and mistakes, when they don't stand for anything, and when they criticize those who go out and make something of themselves. so many times in the day i get mad at how people could ever consider themselves more important than others, or how often selfish ideologies take a precedent over the welfare of others. yes life is hard. its hard on everyone at sometime or another. we've made things so damn twisted and about all the wrong things that i can't understand it. i mean, what the hell am i supposed to do? all that i stand for and all that i want in life isn't here. i don't think the same as a vast majority of the people here, i'm guarded and don't befriend anyone and everyone, i don't drink and sure as hell dont smoke, i work my ass off in the classroom and on the soccer field, and i don't trust many people. all that doesn't sound so bad, but my track record with making and maintaining friends seems to contradict any niceness that I thought i had in me. it's gotten to the point where i look forward to work, to workouts, to endless hours of homework, and the ability to close my bedroom door so i can close off the world. I'm sick of explaining myself to people. i'm sick of pretending i'm happy here and that its easy to be myself. I want to find my way out. i want a bigger, better, and freer big city...or better yet a place where i can look up and see the stars without the glow of city lights against them or the smell of weed in the air.

i've been killing myself for awhile now with work, class, and soccer all in the effort to get out of here. I'm that kinda girl who gets restless when i'm in one place too long. it happened it arkansas, happened in wichita, and now its happening here. I'm over this "college experience" mumbo jumbo. now that i'm stuck here for what seems an extra semester or entire here i honestly don't know how i'm going to handle it. i don't know what it's going to take to make me happy...but i know i won't find it here. somethings not right and somethings missing. for the first time today i think i realize its the opportunity to be me...which i sadly haven't been for years now. I'm sick of this place and want nothing more than to drive away and never look back.

Bittersweet

"All we ever do is say goodbye...."

--John Mayer

It's the last days of school! Words can't describe how excited and ready to move on I am. In 8 days I move into the apartment with Megski and Kat, and in 7 days I will be done with my sophmore/junior year of college. my meeting with the kckcc is today at 230 and I'm actually really nervous! this is what makes or breaks my goal of graduating early...what a day!

Now that we're at the end, I'm surprisingly sad. Its already been a whirlwind of a semester for me and I lost one person I care a lot about...and i'm not sure if I can lose another couple people. The goofy friends that kept me smiling when i didn't want to, the seniors I've looked to for support and advice...it's definitely gonna suck saying goodbye. The end is always bittersweet...you want people to do well, you want people to be happy, but you don't want to lose them either. This is where I always get stuck...definitely miss some people but can't really let them know or let down the smile for their benefit. Blahh, I don't know what this post was supposed to be about. I don't even know why I bothered posting. whateverrrr, it is what it is.

Life and Love

Maybe I'm a little naive, maybe I'm a little crazy...but this nonsense about cheering for the death of Osama Bin Laden has got to be one of the most pathetic behaviors the United States has ever partaken in. I understand the atrocious acts this man had committed over the past twenty years and the countless lives he ended. I also understand that in his death many more lives have potentially been saved...but I can't help but wonder where the American public's justification of killing a man results in "justice".Osama Bin Laden was by all accounts a martyr for his cause. Does anyone really think he would've gone out any other way? He proved the point he made so many years ago, "Americans love to live, and we love to die".

This is not to take away any of the grief or relief felt by those who lost family members, friends, and loved ones on September 11, 2001 or during the ongoing ten year campaign in the middle east but the fact that crowds of people around the world are excited that he's dead, that people feel America and her allies have made progress in the never ending war on terror...it's sickening. What happened to we hold these truths to be self evident; that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Are we so far gone in our attempts to be on top that we've forgotten about what made America in the first place? We're supposed to be a melting pot for all races, all ideas, all religions...but we've turned away from the most basic important principles. LIFE. LOVE.

We've all been bestowed with the gift of life, a beautifully complex miracle...and yet we seem to forget how amazing that miracle is and cast it out like a penny in the rain. Too many times to people selfishly think of themselves, think of their own priorities, think of their own needs, looking for any and all ways to assert themselves and be on top. Striving for excellence is not a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but when are willing to step on those we see as inferior to us...we begin to weave a very tangled web. When did one life become more important than another? Yes Osama is responsible for orchestrating the deaths of thousands of people but in the end he was a man just like the rest of us, with the same divine human dignity we all posses. Did he choose to use his gift of free will by disrespecting the dignity of others, yes. Did he deserve what was coming to him, no. No one deserves to die, for ultimately the judgment of humanity rests in the hands of God. I for one can not bring myself to damn the man to hell, after all I have made mistakes as well in my life and cannot claim that I have used my free will to benefit more than just myself. 

So where does this leave us? Maybe the United States will make progress and bring the troops home sooner rather than later now. Or maybe Bin Laden's organization will seek revenge and everything will get worse. I stand by my position that cheering for the death of any human being is wrong, no matter what their crime and I find it sad that America has become so consumed by the past and hatred that she has forgotten to rejoice in new life, to realize that death is a part of living, that life goes on, and that ultimately we have forgotten what it means to forgive. We have forgotten that the only reason we are here is by God's mercy. We have forgotten that LIFE and LOVE are the most important characteristics humanity can have and should uphold.

Honestly, Easter just passed but it seems that we have already forgotten the message Jesus gave us in dying for our sins. All is forgivable and forgiven.

365 Day Journey

"A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun..."

--unknown

Today's my 20th birthday...another year older another year wiser right? Maybe, when I know the answer I'll let you know.

A lot of people have asked me what I'm doing today, and the real answer is nothing. I might go out to dinner with my amazing roomie Megan, but other than that I'm sitting alone in my room doing nothing but writing a blog and papers for school. Sounds lame I know, but I've never been one to celebrate or advertise my birthday by any means. It's not that I'm afraid of getting older, in fact I can't wait to be older and out from under the stereotypes of being a teenager. Now that I'm officially 20 and ready to see what another year brings me, I'm taking a chance to look back. Two years ago, when I turned 18 I was excited to be a legal adult and to graduate high school; to start college fresh and dominate on the soccer field. The next day I got the concussion that has made the past two years of life extremely difficult. I still don't remember what happened and when asked about it recently realized that I don't really remember about a six week period surrounding that day. Does it bother me? Not really, there are some things that I'm glad I forgot. I really didn't care much for high school and i don't really care all that much for college. On the other hand, there are times that it frustrates me that my mind goes into a fog. That I have moments where I wonder what the hell happened and how different things could be for me now. But it's not worth dwelling on, it is what it is.

so maybe this next year will be my year. I have a summer of classes to look forward to and two more semesters of work until I turn 21 and graduate. luckily I have an awesome roomie doing the same thing.

Here's to hoping this next year is filled with good times and great adventures.