Take Me Away...

Take me away to January
I'm done with this year, I'm tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home
There's gotta be something else out there for me
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream
There's more than this Midwestern town
I can't let this place keep me down

--Take Me Away, Chase Coy

Do you ever get that sense that you just don't fit in? That no matter how hard you try to make things work and how hard you try to make others and yourself happy...that is just doesn't work. it doesn't happen. and you can't catch a break? I broke down today, fell absolutely apart. i've been trying to graduate a year early for a few months now...researching classes i needed to take and where i could get them transferred from. then today when i went to register i could only take two courses. so i'm stuck, stuck in the one place i don't want to be. 

it's not secret that I don't fit in here. I'm an ultra conservative Catholic in my beliefs and a total type A personality. I see in black and white...in right and wrong. I'll admit i'm usually really judgmental too. i can't stand when people make excuses for decisions and mistakes, when they don't stand for anything, and when they criticize those who go out and make something of themselves. so many times in the day i get mad at how people could ever consider themselves more important than others, or how often selfish ideologies take a precedent over the welfare of others. yes life is hard. its hard on everyone at sometime or another. we've made things so damn twisted and about all the wrong things that i can't understand it. i mean, what the hell am i supposed to do? all that i stand for and all that i want in life isn't here. i don't think the same as a vast majority of the people here, i'm guarded and don't befriend anyone and everyone, i don't drink and sure as hell dont smoke, i work my ass off in the classroom and on the soccer field, and i don't trust many people. all that doesn't sound so bad, but my track record with making and maintaining friends seems to contradict any niceness that I thought i had in me. it's gotten to the point where i look forward to work, to workouts, to endless hours of homework, and the ability to close my bedroom door so i can close off the world. I'm sick of explaining myself to people. i'm sick of pretending i'm happy here and that its easy to be myself. I want to find my way out. i want a bigger, better, and freer big city...or better yet a place where i can look up and see the stars without the glow of city lights against them or the smell of weed in the air.

i've been killing myself for awhile now with work, class, and soccer all in the effort to get out of here. I'm that kinda girl who gets restless when i'm in one place too long. it happened it arkansas, happened in wichita, and now its happening here. I'm over this "college experience" mumbo jumbo. now that i'm stuck here for what seems an extra semester or entire here i honestly don't know how i'm going to handle it. i don't know what it's going to take to make me happy...but i know i won't find it here. somethings not right and somethings missing. for the first time today i think i realize its the opportunity to be me...which i sadly haven't been for years now. I'm sick of this place and want nothing more than to drive away and never look back.