Back to Basics

"there comes a time when you realize...maybe I was wrong; maybe everything I wanted isn't everything I need. when that time comes, all you can do is start over; when that time comes, all you can do is try again"

I'm starting over. Going back to the basics. I've realized that the complications and stress in my life is entirely my fault. I let too much in, let too much go, and try too damn hard at pleasing everyone around me. It's left me drained, far from happy, and with an unending desire to feel nothing.

Starting over...no more wanting what I can't have, no more deluding myself into thinking that the people I care for most are ever going to feel the same; no more holding onto the dreams that have long since passed me by. Starting over...finding myself again; trying to understand who I am, what I stand for, what makes me. 

Maybe it's stupid, maybe it sounds like I'm whining...maybe I am. That's just it, I don't know what I am anymore. I used to be so sure of myself, so confident about where I was going and what I was doing. These days I feel more lost, confused, and lonely than anything else...the worst part being that I wish I could run away further. Run from Kansas, run from the United States altogether. I've always hid behind books, behind soccer, behind this stereotyped idea of being shy and innocent....I'm sick of it. I know where and when I became how I am. I've memorized the names and faces. The friends I've lost along the way, the scars that tell my stories...I know one day I'll look back on the memories. I'm scared that those memories might make me regret the choices I made. I don't want to regret anyone are anything I've chosen.

I'm tired of feeling lonely...so I made the decision to try again. Rebuilding myself from the inside out. I'm using this summer as the first step. Running every day to work out frustrations, working to be a better friend and not isolate myself...every aspect of me will hopefully get better. I hate when people tell me I'm too good or too nice for them, that I'm perfect. I'm far from it. But for once I'm making changes that I want, that I need. I still think my motto that living for others applies here...it'll just be combined with making myself a better person.

I'm not sure why I posted this. Why I even wrote. I was just feeling so ughh that I needed to write...