Quicksand

"You're playing and you think everything is going fine. then one thing goes wrong. And then another; and another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight the deeper you sink. You can't breathe, because you're in over your head. Like quicksand" -- Shane Falco




Life's a lot like quicksand...someone i hold close talked about this recently. made me think quite a bit. i've got a lot to do, lots of pressure it seems. The time's grown to up and I'm not sure i'm quite ready. Changes are gonna happen, people are gonna leave. Where is it gonna leave me? I have so many unanswered questions...so many wonders, worries, and what ifs.


What to do...seems the only answer i've come anywhere close to is grow up. live. go with the flow. understand the mystery that life is and how beautiful it is. i'm trying to learn and be fearless. find some faith in myself I lost awhile ago...learn to go with all my heart no matter where i go.

Marlin

I have a mammoth...he's a baby (stuffed animal of course) and his name is Marlin.

He's quite cute and I got him from Nick :)
He's the perfect companion for Cookie Domino, my dragon.
I'm growing up, but a kid at heart.
Useless post? Maybe but I'm happy and felt like saying so.

Love and miss you best friend.

It never fails...

Despite everything else I should be concerned about...despite everything else that is so much more important...all i can think about...it this.

after all this time...still has my heart. i can't stop thinking about how much I want to play; how much being on that field makes sense when the rest of the world doesn't. i can't walk away...but i still don't know what to do. how am i supposed to approach this with my parents? with my family? i've accepted the consequences...but i don't know if they can. plus all my friends that want to see me smiling and alive and my bubbly self. feels like every time i turn around i disappoint someone.

Why Wait

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what people think you are." --John Wooden

After another long week I'm glad the weekend is here. This week has been the precursor to what next week has in store for me...it's finals time. This week hasn't been all bad. I did get a new job and signed up for training that will pay me exponentially better and i can't wait. Plus...i got my second year of Offensive Player of the Year recognition for soccer.

With all that good news you'd think i'm having a good time right? wrong, again. While i'm thankful for the award...it cropped up feelings i'm still trying to hide. Not being able to play still kills me on a daily basis and no one understands just how much physical as much as emotion and mental pain it causes. then of course, we have the bitches. I get it, i know they don't like me but shit...running off and telling my boyfriend your lousy opinion of me? come on, even you should be above that.

I chose the quote at the beginning of this post because I had that little ah-ha moment after talking to Nick about everything last night. I shouldn't be wasting my time on their pathetic opinions or ideas...i and those who care about me know how i really am. my character cannot be called into question unless I allow it. So now i'm thinking, why wait? why wait for anyone but God or myself to tell me who I am, where i'm going, or what I'm worth. Why wait for the opinions of those I won't communicate with or see as soon as i graduate and walk through those doors. I'm over and done with it.

It's amazing how much you can learn from someone in such a short time.

love and miss you always Nicky Garcia.

Restless Dream

This song has been on repeat for me today. I know why and I'm not willing to admit it in writing. Sad to say but I cried listening to it...and it scares me to think that I'm still that affected. I know things will change and get better, in fact they have exponentially since meeting Nick :)
However i will acknowledge that some parts of my heart still belong to one person. he'll always be special. and i wouldn't have it any other way. i owe him for helping me get to where i'm at today. he's part of the reason i'm so happy with Nick.

Restless Dream

-JM-

I write you from this grounded airplane
I wonder how you've been and where you are
A letter to the one who slipped away
A letter for the things that never start

Oh my imagination's running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes us sound
Like a twister in my mind
Restless dream we left behind I never will forget

It's funny how the words we never say
Can turn into the only thoughts we know
But austin's just so very far away
And I can not believe I let you go
Oh my imagination's running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes us sound
Like a twister in my mind
Restless dream we left behind
I never will forget this restless dream

And so I call to you from the darkness of my room
You will never be a memory now your restless dream
Your restless dream

So I write to this address I don't know
You said you had to leave and we lost track
So if you hear this song on the radio
I've said it now and there's no turning back

Oh my imagination's running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes us sound
Like a twister in my mind
Restless dream we left behind
I never will forget this restless dream
This restless dream

Love you and miss you always Nicky Garcia.

Win Some Lose Some

definitely had one of my worst afternoons in awhile today...there is a friend of mine, someone i had feelings for at one point, that told me he wanted to be in a relationship today. but i have Nick, and he's all i could ask for so I'm not looking to mess it up...but, i feel terrible. I lost my friend because i made a decision. This guy is never someone I could date no, he sleeps around, smokes and drinks heavily, doesn't have much ambition...but he was always fun to be around; a genuine sweetheart he could make you feel happy on the worst days. He was a friend through some tough days, and now i realize he likes the idea of me. the classic good girl that could push him to be better. only to leave me hurt in the end right? he's really mad at me right now. told me to never bother speaking to him...i had to leave. as much as he doesn't want me there though, i'm still here and still his friend...like always.

i'm not questioning my decision at all. I want Nick, and i'm happy with him. I just wish i didn't have to lose a friend in the process. you win some you lose some...but the people that walk out of your life were never meant to make it to your future.


Love and miss you bestie <3