Wasted...

well...i've failed. i spent the last two weeks holding onto the last hope I had to possibly play soccer again...and it's gone. for good. I am at a loss of what to do...where to go. all i want to do is be alone but it's impossible. not to mention my granddaddy passed away and this has been one of the worst weeks of my life. wish i could pack up my bags and leave.

i feel like i've wasted so much time fighting for this dream and this goal...spent so much time dedicating so much time and effort to the game that's meant to much to me for seventeen years. people say to move on, that the future holds so much more but...how do i know. soccer is everything to me...it always has been. i don't want to walk away from it, how can i?

 
i wish i could do it all again. i wish i could start over. i wish none of this had ever happened. 

No explanation

don't think i need any explanation...

This Sucks

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
--Washington Irving

I really wish I could feel better. but i'm still not sleeping, still thinking about what to do now that soccer...my one outlet...is gone. i've been running to clear my head and spending a lot of time alone. i don't want to bring anyone down or put the misery on anyone else. but i'm getting grief for not going out and not talking and staying to myself...can't get it right can i.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. Letting go won't happen anytime soon...i'm giving up on trying to have people understand. this sucks.

lost the game...lost my dog....and a funeral for my grandfather is looming.

i've had enough bad news for awhile.

One of these nights...

"you're always haunted by the idea that you're wasting your life...."

funny those conversations you thought would just be endless arguing, pointless, and a waste of time turn out to be the ones that make you think...think of what kind of person you portray yourself as, think of who you are, think of why things are like this...and how the hell everything managed to get so fucked up.

  

Him...be careful when you blink, cause you're gonna miss out on something.

Me: here i am, twenty years old and just...ughh. i spent the better part of my younger years in central arkansas; it's no secret that i wish our family had been placed somewhere different. I didn't fit there...i don't talk to the kids i spent seven years getting to know. i have no...hold there. sadly...i think saint mary may be my new Cabot. the drama, the insincere people, the pressure to fit the mold...it just doesn't work for me. I'm not that girl and never will be. i criticized this guy for telling me i was different, that i was the special breed of girl that people needed to recognize. but the truth is, i am. i don't beat to the drum of the mob...i have my own off beat patterns that make no sense to anyone but me. does that make me better? definitely not. i've made my fair share of mistakes and told him more than once that i am not happy with the person i've become as of late. then there's soccer and school and the future. i feel like i write about them constantly...complaining that each dimension is going wrong or just not right. but what else can i do? soccer is just soccer still. love the game but not nearly as much as i used to. school is stressful and junior/senior year is significantly harder than the past two. the future...wow the future. once upon a time i had it all figured out. once upon a time i wasn't quite so freaked out.

Him...what happened? where is the girl that used to be confident and sure of herself? 

Me: problem is...i've never been sure of myself. i've been comfortable with playing my role...my parents need me to be independent, my friends need me to be the pillar of support, my team needs me to be a fearless leader, my teacher's need me to be a prestigious student. Where does this leave me? emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted...but putting on the smile that will help others get by.

Him...what are you running from? what do you want?

Me: i'm running from the person i've become...i should be so much better. there are things that i've done and people i've hurt that i can't just let go. i have to learn from it.parts of me are never going to work right, not after the damage they've been through. and i don't know what i want. i used to have the perfect idea of where i was going and how things would end up. now...i'm not so sure

the conversation wasn't what i expected. might he get a little offended reading this? sure. but i just...i guess learned a little about myself through it. am i unhappy where i'm at right now, yes. will it change, yes. i'm that girl that doesn't think just about me...i'm that girl who might hate a place or situation but deals with it because it makes the people around me smile. it's never been just about me and it never will be. i can't bring myself to consider myself more important or better than others. there are points when I have to learn to let go. and even more important i have to learn the difference in letting go and giving up...cause i guess it doesn't mean that i'm giving up, i tried right? it's more about letting life take its course and letting time heal all wounds. understood or misunderstood, agree or disagree...i am the way i am.

one of these nights i'll get it right...one of these nights i'll fall asleep knowing tomorrow won't be so bad. forever fearless...the motto i wish i could live up to.

Beedizzle

when you have the time...you should read my friend Bee's blog. she and i are so much alike it's scary...and i'm not sure if we've decided that it's a good thing or bad thing...

she's a smart, beautiful lady...and she says the things i can't sometimes. it may be sad but i'm glad it proves we aren't alone.


and miss beedizzle, i don't think you complain too much at all.
love and miss you Nicky.

When You're Lonely

It's been...rough the past few weeks. or years should I say. I don't know what my problem really is as of late; there is such a mix of things running through my head. From soccer to school to friends to relationships...it just doesn't work for me.

soccer is just soccer...i love the game still, always will. but something about this place just drags it down. i'm sick of trying with it, sick of losing, sick of being so down and trying to help. its too late to transfer...and the option of not playing next year just...seems so wrong and impossible. it's the same with school. i'm so close to being done but no close enough. truth is, i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to deal with the people or the classes...i just want out. away from the midwest and somewhere more...me.

so what do you do? when you feel so absolutely alone that you find yourself hiding from people...putting in headphones so you don't have to talk, blogging because you can't talk...laying in bed alone watching movie after movie, crying yourself to sleep...but all the while telling everyone you're okay. how do you get away from feeling so...lost.

it drives me crazy that so many people are telling me how "amazing and special" i am. i get it, i'm different...i'm the girl that told you no, the girl that didn't fall for the charm and didn't drop her pants. I'm not a prize to be won or something to be put on a pedestal. i've made my mistakes...there is a difference between the "idea" of me...and me. figure it out cause i'm not trying anymore. It's not a fairytale.