One of these nights...

"you're always haunted by the idea that you're wasting your life...."

funny those conversations you thought would just be endless arguing, pointless, and a waste of time turn out to be the ones that make you think...think of what kind of person you portray yourself as, think of who you are, think of why things are like this...and how the hell everything managed to get so fucked up.

  

Him...be careful when you blink, cause you're gonna miss out on something.

Me: here i am, twenty years old and just...ughh. i spent the better part of my younger years in central arkansas; it's no secret that i wish our family had been placed somewhere different. I didn't fit there...i don't talk to the kids i spent seven years getting to know. i have no...hold there. sadly...i think saint mary may be my new Cabot. the drama, the insincere people, the pressure to fit the mold...it just doesn't work for me. I'm not that girl and never will be. i criticized this guy for telling me i was different, that i was the special breed of girl that people needed to recognize. but the truth is, i am. i don't beat to the drum of the mob...i have my own off beat patterns that make no sense to anyone but me. does that make me better? definitely not. i've made my fair share of mistakes and told him more than once that i am not happy with the person i've become as of late. then there's soccer and school and the future. i feel like i write about them constantly...complaining that each dimension is going wrong or just not right. but what else can i do? soccer is just soccer still. love the game but not nearly as much as i used to. school is stressful and junior/senior year is significantly harder than the past two. the future...wow the future. once upon a time i had it all figured out. once upon a time i wasn't quite so freaked out.

Him...what happened? where is the girl that used to be confident and sure of herself? 

Me: problem is...i've never been sure of myself. i've been comfortable with playing my role...my parents need me to be independent, my friends need me to be the pillar of support, my team needs me to be a fearless leader, my teacher's need me to be a prestigious student. Where does this leave me? emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted...but putting on the smile that will help others get by.

Him...what are you running from? what do you want?

Me: i'm running from the person i've become...i should be so much better. there are things that i've done and people i've hurt that i can't just let go. i have to learn from it.parts of me are never going to work right, not after the damage they've been through. and i don't know what i want. i used to have the perfect idea of where i was going and how things would end up. now...i'm not so sure

the conversation wasn't what i expected. might he get a little offended reading this? sure. but i just...i guess learned a little about myself through it. am i unhappy where i'm at right now, yes. will it change, yes. i'm that girl that doesn't think just about me...i'm that girl who might hate a place or situation but deals with it because it makes the people around me smile. it's never been just about me and it never will be. i can't bring myself to consider myself more important or better than others. there are points when I have to learn to let go. and even more important i have to learn the difference in letting go and giving up...cause i guess it doesn't mean that i'm giving up, i tried right? it's more about letting life take its course and letting time heal all wounds. understood or misunderstood, agree or disagree...i am the way i am.

one of these nights i'll get it right...one of these nights i'll fall asleep knowing tomorrow won't be so bad. forever fearless...the motto i wish i could live up to.