When You're Lonely

It's been...rough the past few weeks. or years should I say. I don't know what my problem really is as of late; there is such a mix of things running through my head. From soccer to school to friends to relationships...it just doesn't work for me.

soccer is just soccer...i love the game still, always will. but something about this place just drags it down. i'm sick of trying with it, sick of losing, sick of being so down and trying to help. its too late to transfer...and the option of not playing next year just...seems so wrong and impossible. it's the same with school. i'm so close to being done but no close enough. truth is, i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to deal with the people or the classes...i just want out. away from the midwest and somewhere more...me.

so what do you do? when you feel so absolutely alone that you find yourself hiding from people...putting in headphones so you don't have to talk, blogging because you can't talk...laying in bed alone watching movie after movie, crying yourself to sleep...but all the while telling everyone you're okay. how do you get away from feeling so...lost.

it drives me crazy that so many people are telling me how "amazing and special" i am. i get it, i'm different...i'm the girl that told you no, the girl that didn't fall for the charm and didn't drop her pants. I'm not a prize to be won or something to be put on a pedestal. i've made my mistakes...there is a difference between the "idea" of me...and me. figure it out cause i'm not trying anymore. It's not a fairytale.