Dreams Only Last For a Night

Dedication takes a lifetime
But dreams only last for a night
-All Time Low


Found myself drowning in countless songs tonight. Angry songs, depressing songs, songs that remind you there's more to life. 
I went to the doctor again today. cleared up a lot of medical issues i've been dealing with, got refills on prescriptions...then she brought it up.

Everyone knows soccer is a tender issue for me. i'd give anything to keep playing. i'd give anything to be healthy and capable of losing the fear of disappointing and hurting my friends and family. She asked me what i wanted to do...obviously a dangerous question. of course i want to be on the field. but of course, i want to live to a ripe old age and be able to tell my kids and grandkids about my love of the game. so many times people tell me to worry about the future but to live in the moment because tomorrow isn't a guarantee. so i'm lost. completely and utterly lost. i can't describe the physical and emotional and psychological pain it is to not have the game; to not have a practice or game to look forward to...something to fall back to when nothing else makes sense or isn't right. rain or shine. right or wrong, it's been there. i want it to stay...but i'm tired of being hurt. i couldn't tell my parents i'm in turmoil because i know they worry. i know they want me to have a full happy life of no regrets and i know what the uncertainty of my health and well being while on the field has done to them in the past. and some of the closest friends i have asked that i think about it, acknowledging that they're scared and want me to be safe.

then i hear these lyrics...dedication takes a lifetime. dreams only last for a night. soccer's always been more than a dream to me. it's my reality. i dedicated seventeen or so solid years of commitment, blood, sweat, and tears to the field. my dream of playing again has haunted me for more than just one night..i've been battling this demon since the night i got hurt. so my question remains...what the fuck am i supposed to do?

Milestones

it's a whole new year. new chances to start over and that much closer to figuring out where i'm going, what i want, who i am. same post, different day.

this last year...especially the fall, was extremely difficult for me. got yet another concussion, lost my dog, lost my grandfather, and dealt with another failed relationship attempt. i like to think of myself as careful and guarded enough to make the right decision and take the necessary time and steps to think things through. that should set me up for more success right? yeah, i've proven that extremely wrong. I didn't want to ever think that i could be pigeon holed into a certain mold...but lately i feel like i have. it's like everyone has an assumption of what kind of person i am and how i hold myself. i've spent the first couple days of the new years thinking about everything i want to change...only to realize the overwhelming difference between wants and needs.

so now the question is...what do i need to do...what do i need to change...what do i need to be.

Quicksand

"You're playing and you think everything is going fine. then one thing goes wrong. And then another; and another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight the deeper you sink. You can't breathe, because you're in over your head. Like quicksand" -- Shane Falco




Life's a lot like quicksand...someone i hold close talked about this recently. made me think quite a bit. i've got a lot to do, lots of pressure it seems. The time's grown to up and I'm not sure i'm quite ready. Changes are gonna happen, people are gonna leave. Where is it gonna leave me? I have so many unanswered questions...so many wonders, worries, and what ifs.


What to do...seems the only answer i've come anywhere close to is grow up. live. go with the flow. understand the mystery that life is and how beautiful it is. i'm trying to learn and be fearless. find some faith in myself I lost awhile ago...learn to go with all my heart no matter where i go.

Marlin

I have a mammoth...he's a baby (stuffed animal of course) and his name is Marlin.

He's quite cute and I got him from Nick :)
He's the perfect companion for Cookie Domino, my dragon.
I'm growing up, but a kid at heart.
Useless post? Maybe but I'm happy and felt like saying so.

Love and miss you best friend.

It never fails...

Despite everything else I should be concerned about...despite everything else that is so much more important...all i can think about...it this.

after all this time...still has my heart. i can't stop thinking about how much I want to play; how much being on that field makes sense when the rest of the world doesn't. i can't walk away...but i still don't know what to do. how am i supposed to approach this with my parents? with my family? i've accepted the consequences...but i don't know if they can. plus all my friends that want to see me smiling and alive and my bubbly self. feels like every time i turn around i disappoint someone.

Why Wait

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what people think you are." --John Wooden

After another long week I'm glad the weekend is here. This week has been the precursor to what next week has in store for me...it's finals time. This week hasn't been all bad. I did get a new job and signed up for training that will pay me exponentially better and i can't wait. Plus...i got my second year of Offensive Player of the Year recognition for soccer.

With all that good news you'd think i'm having a good time right? wrong, again. While i'm thankful for the award...it cropped up feelings i'm still trying to hide. Not being able to play still kills me on a daily basis and no one understands just how much physical as much as emotion and mental pain it causes. then of course, we have the bitches. I get it, i know they don't like me but shit...running off and telling my boyfriend your lousy opinion of me? come on, even you should be above that.

I chose the quote at the beginning of this post because I had that little ah-ha moment after talking to Nick about everything last night. I shouldn't be wasting my time on their pathetic opinions or ideas...i and those who care about me know how i really am. my character cannot be called into question unless I allow it. So now i'm thinking, why wait? why wait for anyone but God or myself to tell me who I am, where i'm going, or what I'm worth. Why wait for the opinions of those I won't communicate with or see as soon as i graduate and walk through those doors. I'm over and done with it.

It's amazing how much you can learn from someone in such a short time.

love and miss you always Nicky Garcia.

Restless Dream

This song has been on repeat for me today. I know why and I'm not willing to admit it in writing. Sad to say but I cried listening to it...and it scares me to think that I'm still that affected. I know things will change and get better, in fact they have exponentially since meeting Nick :)
However i will acknowledge that some parts of my heart still belong to one person. he'll always be special. and i wouldn't have it any other way. i owe him for helping me get to where i'm at today. he's part of the reason i'm so happy with Nick.

Restless Dream

-JM-

I write you from this grounded airplane
I wonder how you've been and where you are
A letter to the one who slipped away
A letter for the things that never start

Oh my imagination's running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes us sound
Like a twister in my mind
Restless dream we left behind I never will forget

It's funny how the words we never say
Can turn into the only thoughts we know
But austin's just so very far away
And I can not believe I let you go
Oh my imagination's running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes us sound
Like a twister in my mind
Restless dream we left behind
I never will forget this restless dream

And so I call to you from the darkness of my room
You will never be a memory now your restless dream
Your restless dream

So I write to this address I don't know
You said you had to leave and we lost track
So if you hear this song on the radio
I've said it now and there's no turning back

Oh my imagination's running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes us sound
Like a twister in my mind
Restless dream we left behind
I never will forget this restless dream
This restless dream

Love you and miss you always Nicky Garcia.