It's a melody.

"Music is a total constant. That's why we have such a strong visceral connection to it, you know? Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in your or the world, that one song says the same, just like that moment"

Okay, so I'm obsessed. I've always been the kinda girl to let music be one of my go to therapies. Certain songs and their lyrics just really work for me...its kinda like when you feel like no one can understand what you're going through and no one can really bring you back.
So there is music. There is Augustana, All Time Low, Ben Rector, The Bravery, Carrie Underwood, Dave Matthews Band, Dashboard Confessional, Eminem, Fleetwood Mac, Foreigner, Goo Goo Dolls, Jacks Mannequin, Journey, Linkin Park, Lil Wayne, Lifehouse, Mae, The Maine, Maroon 5, Ne-Yo, Nelly, One Republic, Owl City, Paramore, Postal Service, REO Speedwagon, Rod Stewart, Rascal Flatts, SafetySuit, The Script, Something Corporate, Taylor Swift, The Starting Line, Wiz Khalifa, Yellowcard, 30 Seconds to Mars, 3Oh!3. There is a song to fit every moment, to fit every emotion.

I'm honestly not sure what I'd do without music. It lets me escape from the world almost everyday, lets me be alone with my own thoughts and find time to take a breath. Regardless of where I'm at...it's always there and makes life a little more livable.

it never lasts forever.

"Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.“ -Albus Dumbledore

for a few weeks there, everything was okay. workouts have gotten harder and better, soccer is finally picking up...summer is right around the corner. for a few weeks there were easier days, more smiles and more laughter. the distractions finally work, the pain isn't as noticeable. the sleepless nights are still there but are finally dreamless. but of course, it never lasts forever.

then it hits. the one night you let your guard down and the memories flood back. that particular song comes on and the tears well up, maybe not falling, but they're there. the only comfort there is, are those over sized clothes...even if the scent has entirely faded away. you can't help but ask yourself all the what if's, wonder when you'll see him again, fight the urge to let him know you're falling. all the hope in the world tells you that you'll be okay. but right now you can't see past the night that is before you. you can't bring yourself to talk, so you turn off the light and turn up the music.

and you let it down, you let it go, and just let the emotions flow. you just let the pain sink in again and hold onto that pillow, that monkey...you sleep in hoodie you can't bear to throw away. you sleep with the memories you never want to lose.


She's got a bumper like a billboard
Covered in stickers of her favorite bands
She's got a handful of records that she turns to
When she needs to land
She's a Saturday night parade through the streets
That all eyes come to see including me

She carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets
She should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
Says forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul
That never rolls

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than Heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere
Just like Guinevere

She don't hold onto nothin' new for very long
Yeah she writes you in as just one more tale
and then you're gone
'Cause she once fell hard 'cause she dropped her guard
And no one gets to stay it's just too late
--Guinevere, Eli Young Band

It's a beautiful game...

"Somewhere behind the athlete you've become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you is a little girl who 'fell in love' with the game and never looked back...Play for her."
-Mia Hamm

I've been playing soccer since I was about four years old, spending countless weekends driving hundreds of miles for the best competition. It has always provided an answer for me...an answer to the stressful days, the tearful nights, the fights, and the drama. Stepping across those white lines, the smell of the grass, the feel of cleats, and a ball at my feet. What's not to love?

The past two years of soccer have been a lot harder on me. With the concussions and the drama...its been rough finding the excitement to play. With this potentially being my last season, I want it to be my best...so in the off season I've picked up the workouts. Coach Spence has been killing the four girls that go, but I'm stronger and faster because of him. And now I've been cleared to head the ball next season, so I'm really hoping that my game gets that much better. Is it dangerous sure...but soccer is worth it. Being on the field, being with my team...there's nothing better. I fell in love with soccer a long long time ago, and my passion for the game won't ever die.

I played in a seven on seven soccer tournament today with the ladies, and for the first time in months I've been excited to play soccer with them. We all played so well and everyone worked their asses and with the new talent coming in next season we are going to be great. For the first time in two year, I am proud to be a member of Lady Spires soccer.

"The Vision of a Champion is someone bent over, drenched in sweat, and to the point of exhaustion...when no one is watching."
--Anson Dorrance

This is Me

"you can never live a perfect day without doing something for someone who can never repay you"

--John Wooden

I had a really interesting conversation with a friend today regarding my outlook on life and how i choose to live...he brought up good points and i really enjoyed the conversation. We talked a lot about selfless living, and why there are times when i put others before myself. He knows about my most recent friendship fight...understanding that Kevin and I used to be close, and understanding how hard it is for me to let it go. I lost him when I told him how guilty I feel, and how much I want to go and apologize....even with nothing to apologize for. He seemed boggled that I am willing to wait for him to realize his mistakes, to take the blame for everything, or that  I don't ever think of myself...but I explained that I have multiple life motto's that I try to follow in days and situations like these:

1.) turn the other cheek

2.) you can never live a perfect day without doing something for someone who can never repay you

3.) treat others the way you want to be treated.

4.) only a life lived for others is worth living

5.) there is never an excuse to hurt someone

All this conversation brought me to an interesting topic...is it really possible to live an altruistic life, to live not for yourself or for your own benefit but for others. I personally have always tried to put others feelings and welfare before my own. its not that i don't care about myself, I do. it makes me happy to help others and to see a smile on their faces or be the shoulder for them to lean on. if i can take some of the weight on their shoulders and make the day or weekend easier for someone, I will. more than one person has told me that i need to stop trying so hard and that I care too much, especially for the people that deem aren't worthy of kindness...but for me, i feel like those are the people that need it most. and in the end if all people have to say about me is that i cared too much, then that's not such a bad thing.

I don't know why my mind works this way, and i'm not claiming to be perfect or that the decisions i make are entirely for the benefit of others. i can't bring myself to consider myself more important or better than others. my friend did make a really good point though, there are points when I have to learn to let go. and even more important i have to learn the difference in letting go and giving up...cause i guess it doesn't mean that i'm giving up, i tried right? it's more about letting life take its course and letting time heal all wounds. while it'll be hard for me to kinda change my outlook, because i think i will always put others ahead of myself and do what i can. maybe it's never easy and maybe i get overwhelmed but, this is just how I work...agree or disagree, this is me. 

For now though, I am taking his advice and letting go of a friendship I really value; and pray that one day he comes around. I'll take a breath, and just breathe.

 

am i crazy?

 Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury

are we really to the point where you can't take a 30 second elevator ride with me? it's not like i was the only one in it, or like you'd even attempt to make eye contact so what the big deal was i dont know. are you jealous that i have a better friend now? or have you realized finally that i was right, that everyone you blew off for her isnt here to back you up? maybe its time you be the man you claim to be and apologize and make some changes. no one is gonna be there to catch you when you fall if you keep this up. we've all tried but there's a point when you need to learn to save yourself. i get that maybe our minds dont think alike, that you're a stubborn egotistical jackass kinda guy and i'm a self sacrificing care too much kinda girl...but that's why were we friends. i'd tell you when to be considerate and you'd tell me when to have a back bone. either way, the point we've gotten to is ridiculous.

so am i crazy, i mean really crazy for wanting to run upstairs and force you to talk to me? i hate that we dont talk and i hate that you dont care. even if you wont apologize i've forgiven you. as mad as i am no one deserves to be alone, to be friendless. even if you broke all your promises, i'm not gonna break mine.

Cause baby I'm a dreamer...

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"

~James Dean~

I've always had goals and dreams, always wanted to do something with my life. Now I'm growing up, moving out and moving on in life. Being a kid having everyone around to help you with everything you want to do, help you make goals...that doesn't happen anymore. It's all up to me now. So here are my ambitions...these are the things I want to do before I die.

1. Visit all 7 continents

2. See all 7 wonders

3. Learn to play piano

4. Meet Peyton Manning

5. Meet Anson Dorrance

6. Conquer my fears

7. See Dachau and Auschwitz

8. Go to a world cup game

9. See the Northern Lights

10. Learn to sail

11. Help a complete stranger

12. Fall in love

13. Learn to map the stars

14. Run in a marathon

15. Go to a game at Lucas Oil Stadium

16. Be Remembered
17. Witness a Miracle
18. Change someone's life for the better

Who knows if I'll ever complete the list, and over the years I'll probably add more to it as I cross things off. I guess the point is...set goal for yourselves, even if you don't complete the list it's better to live for something instead of living for nothing. Life doesn't happen twice, so it's time i started living mine.

I think everyone should have a bucket list, something to strive for, something to do! Too often I hear people complain about their lives being stuck..stuck in a rut or stuck in one direction. But these people keep themselves there, they don't go out and make something of themselves. Like with school right now...I absolutely hate it. I complain constantly, which I'm sure my new bestie Travs can't stand haha even though I am so grateful, but in the end I've made a point to get three jobs, taken eighteen hours of class, signed up for summer school, and made a point to transition into graduate school. Has it stressed me out? Yeah, a good majority of the time I am stressed about one thing or another...but I believe that everything I'm doing will work out in the end. That I'll find that happiness I'm looking for, that I'll be able to cross off the goals I've made for myself.

Let's Run Away.

"See i'm in a hurry...to be gone away awhile"
--Safetysuit, Gone Away

I'm a dreamer at heart; born to travel, born to run. Lately it's all I can think about, how badly I want to get out, get away, and see the world. I feel like so many people are stuck in the moment, and I feel like so many people criticize those that aren't happy with what they've got. Sure things could always be worse, and dwelling on insecurities won't make anyone happy...but...what's wrong with dreaming?

I for one, am ready to go. I want to see the world, to taste the air in somewhere other than America. Send me to Italy, send to France, send me to South Africa...send me anywhere but here.

I want to see the world. So, let's run away today.

What to do...what to do.

I lost you. You lost me. We lost each other. We lost our friendship. I lost you, because of you.

Yes, I've already written about this. Yes, this is yet again about my lousy ex best friend. Yes, I miss him. I hate the fact that we aren't friends. He knows secrets about me that no one else does, and has been there for me on my worst days. The fact that he isn't around bothers me...the fact that he can just throw it away and not care kills me. It's not fair that I am blaming myself for this, that i feel like I have to apologize...and I do think I have every right to be mad. But it still feels like something is missing. I'm not asking for anything special, I just want my best friend back. 

Seriously?

"we all have to grow up sometime"

Pretty sure we have reached a new low here. Sending your girlfriend do the dirty work now? Or is the fact that we are no longer friends not bother you at all, but bothers her enough to make it feel like she's to blame? This is not her fault at all. And the fact that you turned it around to seem that I have anything against her is absolutely ridiculous.

I said from day one that I was happy you met her, that she's changed you for the better. I said from day one I was still gonna love you and be there for you regardless. You said nothing would change with our friendship. Yeah, fat chance. It's really sad when she sees that not only are you pushing me away, but also your best friend. I mean really, grow the fuck up already and realize that you are gonna be alone if you keep up this charade. I've always apologized in the fights even when i don't need to or haven't done shit. but this time its on you, if you want to talk to me then talk. You're a "man" so grow some balls and admit you made a mistake. clearly i'm mad yes, but you know me well enough to know that i'll listen and we'll work it out.

Boston.

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
Oh yeah and I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

--Boston, Augustana

Running away, getting out, thats all i can think about. 26 days until i move out, about 26 more class days. it all seems to be passing so slowly. i'm ready for that fresh start, i'm ready to move past all the shit, i'm ready to move on. we've made a bucket list for the summer, with ideas like getting henna tattoo's, going to a club, or making rap vidoes...but i think the underlying theme is starting over, moving on. something we struggle with, but something we have to do. so, here's to a fresh start. here's to summer 2011, here's to late nights and early mornings, here's to tears and laughter. i hope to God it's everything we need it to be.

Here's a secret...

"and i still see your reflection, inside of my eyes."
--Broken, Lifehouse.

How do you move on from something that dominates your life, how do you move on from someone you can't stop thinking about? Everyday i look at my phone, wondering if he'll text me. Everyday i replay the memories, the sleepless nights. Everyday i wonder what the hell happened...everyday i  ask myself why. why did i do it, why couldn't i see that something was wrong, why couldn't i fix it.

i always told myself that i wouldn't be the silly girl to fall for a boy, the silly girl to have her heart broken. I failed miserably. everything i wanted i found in him, it was easy to be myself with him. easy to be happy. i didn't have to hide my feelings, didn't have to pretend i was anything different other than my quirky, nerdy self. I always had reservations about dating, about really opening my heart to him, about trusting him. in the end i did. he had a hard past too, dealing with hurt that i couldn't imagine until now. our relationship was never the easiest...and it wasn't my intention to fall for him, it wasn't his intention to hurt me. for awhile we found comfort in each other, but that changed. i still feel like it was my fault, like i did something wrong. maybe i wasn't good enough, maybe it just wasn't the right time. all i know is that i do not regret anything that happened, and to be honest...i'd probably do it all over again. there's nowhere for me to go from here, he still has my heart.

i still dont know why exactly things ended, and it still hurts. i still care about him immensely, and i havent let go quite yet. we dont talk as much, and its why i hate nights like these. the nights where i sit in bed watching movies and trying my best to stay distracted. i know exactly where my thoughts will go, exactly what the outcome will be. I havent slept in weeks. he's there all day everyday...he's there all night every night. Almost every single night since the breakup has been like this...has ended with me holding cjaay or my pillow, letting the pain come in, letting the tears fall. i've been killing myself for months now. working three jobs, taking 18 hours of classes, and working out as much as possible. none of it works. i'm sick of pretending i'm happy, sick of pretending like i'm strong enough to handle this. i seriously just want to be numb.

Blah Blah Blahhh

"you never know a good thing until its gone. and trust me, i'm gone."

i'm a bit fed up with fair weather friends. i'm the kind of friend that will drop whatever i'm doing to help, provide an ear when someone needs to talk, and protect the people i care about. maybe its just me, but i dont think it is really all that hard.

i used to have a friend, a best friend, that i went to anytime i wanted. a friend that listened to my problems, was a shoulder to cry on, and a person that could make me smile. not so much anymore. he has a new girlfriend. a girlfriend i might add, that i think is pretty shady. she's said things i went to his defense for, has treated him poorly, and changed him completely. now i find out she doesnt like us texting and thinks that there is "something going on between us". he and i have already been fighting constantly, just getting over a pretty big fight. when the topic came up last night, i lost my temper. told him she was an immature bitch and he a pathetic dumbass for letting something so stupid ruin a friendship. told him to "fuck it. you can tell her we aren't friends".

was it an over reaction? maybe. but all the effort i've put in to making the friendship work got thrown in my face. in the past i let it go, apologized for something i had no responsibility in. but this time is different. i have travs, who i hate to be in the middle of it, but is a far better friend. and i've started getting to know his aaaamazing lady friend bee. she and i are destined to be friends! between those two, megski, and nicky i'm set. don't need anyone else!

friendship is supposed to be a two way street. sometime we carry one another, sometimes we get separated. other times we walk in the same direction, but become separated by a fork in the road. it just happens. and there is nothing we can do about it.

Cjaay

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
--Washington Irving

It's sad but i'll admit, i cry a lot. all the time. not many people realize it because i hate hate hate crying in front of anyone about anything. if the situation arises, i force myself to walk away or hold it in. the only time i can ever really let it out is when i'm alone...generally before i go to bed. thats where cjaay comes into play. cjaay is my monkey, a gift from someone i care very much about. cjaay is a big big monkey, with velcro arms that wrap around me and provide the support i need. he never leaves, is always warm, and never fails to help the pain go away. i'm never alone with cjaay. it's sad i know. a stuffed animal at 19? yeah i know, but my trust has been broken so much by friends and those i care most about that i can't bring myself to talk, to let it out. i just cant. it also makes me feel really guilty to think that i would ever consider my problems greater than anyone else's. so many other people are fighting day to day battles that i can't even imagine how it must feel...i deal with the same issues every other person does...a broken heart, mistreatment by friends, and loneliness. it's not another sob story by a lame little girls, its my life. take kevin for example. fight after fight we manage to stay friends...but tonight he tells me that he doesn't talk to me or return texts because his girlfriend gets "that look when she knows we are texting". this kid is supposed to be my best friend, and i've done all i can to make him understand. but to be honest i'm done. girlfriends are important yes, but there has to be room for the best friend too.

all i can do is take a day at a time, trying my best to great each day with a smile. try to find the positives in everything that goes wrong. try to find the numbness i'm looking for. in the end though, i think its more about forgiving. forgiving and moving on...hard as it may seem, as much as it hurts. maybe that's my problem, i forgive the people that do me wrong but i don't forget. and remembering is what brings the tears...

Thank God for cjaay.

Memory Lane.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

--Good Riddance, Green Day

I've found myself traveling down memory lane lately. Recently I have made a choice to graduate early, leaving my undergraduate studies and entering into a doctorate program somewhere in the world. Does it scare me? Absolutely.

Coming to this decision was no easy task. I have had to think about where I want to go, what I want to do...who I want to be much sooner than I had planned. Trying to figure out how the hell I got here, all I can say is that it has been one wild ride. For most of my life I lived in Cabot, Arkansas. Born in Germany, my family moved stateside when the military moved us back. It was in that small town that I fell in love with the beautiful game, that I established relationships that I thought would last forever...where I came to question everything I stood for. In the beginning it wasn't so bad, middle school were probably some of the best years I can remember. Before the cliques, before makeup, before boyfriends, before any complications there was just fun; there were just long days filled with laughter and life wasn't complicated.

When it came time for my family to move, I'll admit I wasn't as sad as I thought. It was my junior year and one of the most difficult times of my life. Soccer was (and still is) my life, everything revolved around it and somehow it had begun to fall apart. The friends I had held so close for so long turned away from me. I found myself feeling alone and isolated...like I was an outsider in a world I didn't know. I questioned my faith in God and people at that point, trying to find my way. In the end goodbye was the only way I could get out. I told myself that if people really cared, we would find a way to make the relationships survive...little did I know that no one would be there. It's funny, you can wish for something so much and do your best to make things work but in the end life is a two way street; you either meet halfway, walk together, or move in opposite directions. To this day I still regret losing some of the relationships, specifically Gage. Sometimes I hated that boy, but knowing him for 12 years of growing up had made him like a brother. I loved Gage, but not in the way that made us together. I loved him in the way he was part of my family, anytime and anywhere he needed me I would be there. It kills me to know that we've grown apart...that I don't know him anymore, that he doesn't know me.

 

Moving to Wichita was awkward for me. I was the new girl at school where kids had been going to school together since kindergarten. I didn't talk much, didn't go out, didn't really find myself. Luckily I met a few people that brought me out of my shell, and I owe them many thanks for making me grow up. Jacob Pfeifer is hands down one of the best and sweetest boys I have ever met. We dated for awhile and managed to stay friends but I've always felt ashamed of the way I treated him when our relationship ended. He's forgiven me, but it doesn't change what happened...and sometimes I wonder where we would be if things went differently. We don't see each other often, but it always make me happy to see a message from him. Jacob is amazing.

 

That brings us to college...oh college. It's been nothing that I imagined. It seemed like concussion after concussion plagued me with soccer, and for about seven or eight months I lost it. Soccer was gone, and for me, life was gone. The one support I turned to every time I was down, every time I was happy...always it has been the game. It was one of the darkest times I've been through. My grades suffered, friendships ended, and i honestly felt like no one understood. I knew my parents and family were worried about me, but what could I say? Everything was meaningless without the game, I had to put on a happy face when inside I felt like I was burning. Thankfully, God sent me Nicky. Nicky Garcia is quite possibly one of the sole reasons I stayed at USM, the sole reason I looked forward to waking up every morning. He never forced me to talk, never filled my mind with false hopes. He was simply there, he was the shoulder I could lean on; he was the one who made me smile when I felt like crying. I hate that he's moved away, and saying goodbye was quite possibly the hardest goodbye I've ever made. I did my best not to cry...but every minute of my three hour drive I was in tears. He's still my best friend, we're still Todd and Copper, still always there for each other. Seeing him would be a dream come true. I'll admit I'd probably break down and cry, and hug him until I couldn't stand. I love Nicky Garcia to death; no matter how far apart we get, he will always be my bestie.

 

Walking down this memory lane...I'm surprised. The past five years have been a whirlwind for me. I still remember high school, I still remember middle school. I'm terrified to be taking the next step in my life, but I think it's the fear that makes me ready. All the mistakes, all the moving, all the friendships...along with the bumps and bruises they have made me who I am. I thank God for helping me get this far. I've finally realized that to be happy, to really be me...I have to be at peace with myself. I have to move on.

The next year of my life will be crazy, there is no doubt about that. It will bring tears, it will bring smiles. Maybe in five years I will look back and smile, maybe in five years it will be an easier memory lane to walk down. 

Hello World.

*What we do in life, echoes in eternity*
--Gladiator.

I've always considered myself a normal nineteen almost twenty year old girl, but in the world around me I feel nothing but different. I've chosen to live in the service of others, making myself readily available to help anyone and everyone I can. I've made my heart big enough to fit even those who treat me poorly. It's cliche to bear the weight of the world on your shoulders and then complain...but that is not my intention. If I could think of a few words to describe myself...broken, lost, lonely all come to mind. I don't care for sympathy nor do I want any. This is just my life.

Growing up I always had my family by my side, and it's no different now. I've been lucky enough to have so much love between the six of us, and I know I can call and talk to any sibling or either parent about anything and everything. Growing up I had one friend I would die for, Gage. I still love him and don't have a single memory from Arkansas without him. Nicky got me through freshmen year of college and even if he's nineteen hours away, I consider him one of my very best friends. Travis and Kevin have been my support here lately, Travis being the sweet side who lets you know life goes on, and Kevin being the stubborn jerk that you can't help but love and vent to. I easily have the best roommate and wish she and I lived together last year, things would've been simpler, happier.

It seems like my life is good, that I should be happy and carefree...but where there is light, there is also dark. I made mistakes, people walked away. It's taken two years but I've come to the realization that I do not fit here. Call it what you'd like but my life, my mind, and my heart were not meant to settle here. There will be a point when I have to move on, when I have to say goodbye.

Until then, this blog will serve as my outlet. For people to learn what I really have to say, what I am really feeling.