This is Me

"you can never live a perfect day without doing something for someone who can never repay you"

--John Wooden

I had a really interesting conversation with a friend today regarding my outlook on life and how i choose to live...he brought up good points and i really enjoyed the conversation. We talked a lot about selfless living, and why there are times when i put others before myself. He knows about my most recent friendship fight...understanding that Kevin and I used to be close, and understanding how hard it is for me to let it go. I lost him when I told him how guilty I feel, and how much I want to go and apologize....even with nothing to apologize for. He seemed boggled that I am willing to wait for him to realize his mistakes, to take the blame for everything, or that  I don't ever think of myself...but I explained that I have multiple life motto's that I try to follow in days and situations like these:

1.) turn the other cheek

2.) you can never live a perfect day without doing something for someone who can never repay you

3.) treat others the way you want to be treated.

4.) only a life lived for others is worth living

5.) there is never an excuse to hurt someone

All this conversation brought me to an interesting topic...is it really possible to live an altruistic life, to live not for yourself or for your own benefit but for others. I personally have always tried to put others feelings and welfare before my own. its not that i don't care about myself, I do. it makes me happy to help others and to see a smile on their faces or be the shoulder for them to lean on. if i can take some of the weight on their shoulders and make the day or weekend easier for someone, I will. more than one person has told me that i need to stop trying so hard and that I care too much, especially for the people that deem aren't worthy of kindness...but for me, i feel like those are the people that need it most. and in the end if all people have to say about me is that i cared too much, then that's not such a bad thing.

I don't know why my mind works this way, and i'm not claiming to be perfect or that the decisions i make are entirely for the benefit of others. i can't bring myself to consider myself more important or better than others. my friend did make a really good point though, there are points when I have to learn to let go. and even more important i have to learn the difference in letting go and giving up...cause i guess it doesn't mean that i'm giving up, i tried right? it's more about letting life take its course and letting time heal all wounds. while it'll be hard for me to kinda change my outlook, because i think i will always put others ahead of myself and do what i can. maybe it's never easy and maybe i get overwhelmed but, this is just how I work...agree or disagree, this is me. 

For now though, I am taking his advice and letting go of a friendship I really value; and pray that one day he comes around. I'll take a breath, and just breathe.