Memory Lane.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

--Good Riddance, Green Day

I've found myself traveling down memory lane lately. Recently I have made a choice to graduate early, leaving my undergraduate studies and entering into a doctorate program somewhere in the world. Does it scare me? Absolutely.

Coming to this decision was no easy task. I have had to think about where I want to go, what I want to do...who I want to be much sooner than I had planned. Trying to figure out how the hell I got here, all I can say is that it has been one wild ride. For most of my life I lived in Cabot, Arkansas. Born in Germany, my family moved stateside when the military moved us back. It was in that small town that I fell in love with the beautiful game, that I established relationships that I thought would last forever...where I came to question everything I stood for. In the beginning it wasn't so bad, middle school were probably some of the best years I can remember. Before the cliques, before makeup, before boyfriends, before any complications there was just fun; there were just long days filled with laughter and life wasn't complicated.

When it came time for my family to move, I'll admit I wasn't as sad as I thought. It was my junior year and one of the most difficult times of my life. Soccer was (and still is) my life, everything revolved around it and somehow it had begun to fall apart. The friends I had held so close for so long turned away from me. I found myself feeling alone and isolated...like I was an outsider in a world I didn't know. I questioned my faith in God and people at that point, trying to find my way. In the end goodbye was the only way I could get out. I told myself that if people really cared, we would find a way to make the relationships survive...little did I know that no one would be there. It's funny, you can wish for something so much and do your best to make things work but in the end life is a two way street; you either meet halfway, walk together, or move in opposite directions. To this day I still regret losing some of the relationships, specifically Gage. Sometimes I hated that boy, but knowing him for 12 years of growing up had made him like a brother. I loved Gage, but not in the way that made us together. I loved him in the way he was part of my family, anytime and anywhere he needed me I would be there. It kills me to know that we've grown apart...that I don't know him anymore, that he doesn't know me.

 

Moving to Wichita was awkward for me. I was the new girl at school where kids had been going to school together since kindergarten. I didn't talk much, didn't go out, didn't really find myself. Luckily I met a few people that brought me out of my shell, and I owe them many thanks for making me grow up. Jacob Pfeifer is hands down one of the best and sweetest boys I have ever met. We dated for awhile and managed to stay friends but I've always felt ashamed of the way I treated him when our relationship ended. He's forgiven me, but it doesn't change what happened...and sometimes I wonder where we would be if things went differently. We don't see each other often, but it always make me happy to see a message from him. Jacob is amazing.

 

That brings us to college...oh college. It's been nothing that I imagined. It seemed like concussion after concussion plagued me with soccer, and for about seven or eight months I lost it. Soccer was gone, and for me, life was gone. The one support I turned to every time I was down, every time I was happy...always it has been the game. It was one of the darkest times I've been through. My grades suffered, friendships ended, and i honestly felt like no one understood. I knew my parents and family were worried about me, but what could I say? Everything was meaningless without the game, I had to put on a happy face when inside I felt like I was burning. Thankfully, God sent me Nicky. Nicky Garcia is quite possibly one of the sole reasons I stayed at USM, the sole reason I looked forward to waking up every morning. He never forced me to talk, never filled my mind with false hopes. He was simply there, he was the shoulder I could lean on; he was the one who made me smile when I felt like crying. I hate that he's moved away, and saying goodbye was quite possibly the hardest goodbye I've ever made. I did my best not to cry...but every minute of my three hour drive I was in tears. He's still my best friend, we're still Todd and Copper, still always there for each other. Seeing him would be a dream come true. I'll admit I'd probably break down and cry, and hug him until I couldn't stand. I love Nicky Garcia to death; no matter how far apart we get, he will always be my bestie.

 

Walking down this memory lane...I'm surprised. The past five years have been a whirlwind for me. I still remember high school, I still remember middle school. I'm terrified to be taking the next step in my life, but I think it's the fear that makes me ready. All the mistakes, all the moving, all the friendships...along with the bumps and bruises they have made me who I am. I thank God for helping me get this far. I've finally realized that to be happy, to really be me...I have to be at peace with myself. I have to move on.

The next year of my life will be crazy, there is no doubt about that. It will bring tears, it will bring smiles. Maybe in five years I will look back and smile, maybe in five years it will be an easier memory lane to walk down.