“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
--Washington Irving
--Washington Irving
It's sad but i'll admit, i cry a lot. all the time. not many people realize it because i hate hate hate crying in front of anyone about anything. if the situation arises, i force myself to walk away or hold it in. the only time i can ever really let it out is when i'm alone...generally before i go to bed. thats where cjaay comes into play. cjaay is my monkey, a gift from someone i care very much about. cjaay is a big big monkey, with velcro arms that wrap around me and provide the support i need. he never leaves, is always warm, and never fails to help the pain go away. i'm never alone with cjaay. it's sad i know. a stuffed animal at 19? yeah i know, but my trust has been broken so much by friends and those i care most about that i can't bring myself to talk, to let it out. i just cant. it also makes me feel really guilty to think that i would ever consider my problems greater than anyone else's. so many other people are fighting day to day battles that i can't even imagine how it must feel...i deal with the same issues every other person does...a broken heart, mistreatment by friends, and loneliness. it's not another sob story by a lame little girls, its my life. take kevin for example. fight after fight we manage to stay friends...but tonight he tells me that he doesn't talk to me or return texts because his girlfriend gets "that look when she knows we are texting". this kid is supposed to be my best friend, and i've done all i can to make him understand. but to be honest i'm done. girlfriends are important yes, but there has to be room for the best friend too.
all i can do is take a day at a time, trying my best to great each day with a smile. try to find the positives in everything that goes wrong. try to find the numbness i'm looking for. in the end though, i think its more about forgiving. forgiving and moving on...hard as it may seem, as much as it hurts. maybe that's my problem, i forgive the people that do me wrong but i don't forget. and remembering is what brings the tears...
Thank God for cjaay.
"I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good." - Garden State
ReplyDelete"I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, it's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have." - Garden State
If you haven't seen it, I suggest it. Great movie- one of my favorites. Deals with loneliness and opening up. Oh, and love/heartbreak. Plus, Natalie Portman is BOSS.
Give Trav a hug for me, wish I could. Also, I'll kick Kevin's ass next time I see him. (Not that he cares too much what I think)