--Broken, Lifehouse.
How do you move on from something that dominates your life, how do you move on from someone you can't stop thinking about? Everyday i look at my phone, wondering if he'll text me. Everyday i replay the memories, the sleepless nights. Everyday i wonder what the hell happened...everyday i ask myself why. why did i do it, why couldn't i see that something was wrong, why couldn't i fix it.
i always told myself that i wouldn't be the silly girl to fall for a boy, the silly girl to have her heart broken. I failed miserably. everything i wanted i found in him, it was easy to be myself with him. easy to be happy. i didn't have to hide my feelings, didn't have to pretend i was anything different other than my quirky, nerdy self. I always had reservations about dating, about really opening my heart to him, about trusting him. in the end i did. he had a hard past too, dealing with hurt that i couldn't imagine until now. our relationship was never the easiest...and it wasn't my intention to fall for him, it wasn't his intention to hurt me. for awhile we found comfort in each other, but that changed. i still feel like it was my fault, like i did something wrong. maybe i wasn't good enough, maybe it just wasn't the right time. all i know is that i do not regret anything that happened, and to be honest...i'd probably do it all over again. there's nowhere for me to go from here, he still has my heart.
i still dont know why exactly things ended, and it still hurts. i still care about him immensely, and i havent let go quite yet. we dont talk as much, and its why i hate nights like these. the nights where i sit in bed watching movies and trying my best to stay distracted. i know exactly where my thoughts will go, exactly what the outcome will be. I havent slept in weeks. he's there all day everyday...he's there all night every night. Almost every single night since the breakup has been like this...has ended with me holding cjaay or my pillow, letting the pain come in, letting the tears fall. i've been killing myself for months now. working three jobs, taking 18 hours of classes, and working out as much as possible. none of it works. i'm sick of pretending i'm happy, sick of pretending like i'm strong enough to handle this. i seriously just want to be numb.
I don't know if you remember seeing how torn up I was after me and Stu finally called it quits. I've never hurt so bad, physically or mentally. The good news is, God puts people on this earth to heal those wounds, and it may not feel like it now, but the day is coming when you'll meet your other half. And I bet he'll be even better than Chris (who still says he's leaving me for you when you're 21).
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