Quicksand

"You're playing and you think everything is going fine. then one thing goes wrong. And then another; and another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight the deeper you sink. You can't breathe, because you're in over your head. Like quicksand" -- Shane Falco




Life's a lot like quicksand...someone i hold close talked about this recently. made me think quite a bit. i've got a lot to do, lots of pressure it seems. The time's grown to up and I'm not sure i'm quite ready. Changes are gonna happen, people are gonna leave. Where is it gonna leave me? I have so many unanswered questions...so many wonders, worries, and what ifs.


What to do...seems the only answer i've come anywhere close to is grow up. live. go with the flow. understand the mystery that life is and how beautiful it is. i'm trying to learn and be fearless. find some faith in myself I lost awhile ago...learn to go with all my heart no matter where i go.

Marlin

I have a mammoth...he's a baby (stuffed animal of course) and his name is Marlin.

He's quite cute and I got him from Nick :)
He's the perfect companion for Cookie Domino, my dragon.
I'm growing up, but a kid at heart.
Useless post? Maybe but I'm happy and felt like saying so.

Love and miss you best friend.

It never fails...

Despite everything else I should be concerned about...despite everything else that is so much more important...all i can think about...it this.

after all this time...still has my heart. i can't stop thinking about how much I want to play; how much being on that field makes sense when the rest of the world doesn't. i can't walk away...but i still don't know what to do. how am i supposed to approach this with my parents? with my family? i've accepted the consequences...but i don't know if they can. plus all my friends that want to see me smiling and alive and my bubbly self. feels like every time i turn around i disappoint someone.

Why Wait

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what people think you are." --John Wooden

After another long week I'm glad the weekend is here. This week has been the precursor to what next week has in store for me...it's finals time. This week hasn't been all bad. I did get a new job and signed up for training that will pay me exponentially better and i can't wait. Plus...i got my second year of Offensive Player of the Year recognition for soccer.

With all that good news you'd think i'm having a good time right? wrong, again. While i'm thankful for the award...it cropped up feelings i'm still trying to hide. Not being able to play still kills me on a daily basis and no one understands just how much physical as much as emotion and mental pain it causes. then of course, we have the bitches. I get it, i know they don't like me but shit...running off and telling my boyfriend your lousy opinion of me? come on, even you should be above that.

I chose the quote at the beginning of this post because I had that little ah-ha moment after talking to Nick about everything last night. I shouldn't be wasting my time on their pathetic opinions or ideas...i and those who care about me know how i really am. my character cannot be called into question unless I allow it. So now i'm thinking, why wait? why wait for anyone but God or myself to tell me who I am, where i'm going, or what I'm worth. Why wait for the opinions of those I won't communicate with or see as soon as i graduate and walk through those doors. I'm over and done with it.

It's amazing how much you can learn from someone in such a short time.

love and miss you always Nicky Garcia.

Restless Dream

This song has been on repeat for me today. I know why and I'm not willing to admit it in writing. Sad to say but I cried listening to it...and it scares me to think that I'm still that affected. I know things will change and get better, in fact they have exponentially since meeting Nick :)
However i will acknowledge that some parts of my heart still belong to one person. he'll always be special. and i wouldn't have it any other way. i owe him for helping me get to where i'm at today. he's part of the reason i'm so happy with Nick.

Restless Dream

-JM-

I write you from this grounded airplane
I wonder how you've been and where you are
A letter to the one who slipped away
A letter for the things that never start

Oh my imagination's running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes us sound
Like a twister in my mind
Restless dream we left behind I never will forget

It's funny how the words we never say
Can turn into the only thoughts we know
But austin's just so very far away
And I can not believe I let you go
Oh my imagination's running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes us sound
Like a twister in my mind
Restless dream we left behind
I never will forget this restless dream

And so I call to you from the darkness of my room
You will never be a memory now your restless dream
Your restless dream

So I write to this address I don't know
You said you had to leave and we lost track
So if you hear this song on the radio
I've said it now and there's no turning back

Oh my imagination's running wild
Guess I've missed you from the day we first met
Crazy, this fascination makes us sound
Like a twister in my mind
Restless dream we left behind
I never will forget this restless dream
This restless dream

Love you and miss you always Nicky Garcia.

Win Some Lose Some

definitely had one of my worst afternoons in awhile today...there is a friend of mine, someone i had feelings for at one point, that told me he wanted to be in a relationship today. but i have Nick, and he's all i could ask for so I'm not looking to mess it up...but, i feel terrible. I lost my friend because i made a decision. This guy is never someone I could date no, he sleeps around, smokes and drinks heavily, doesn't have much ambition...but he was always fun to be around; a genuine sweetheart he could make you feel happy on the worst days. He was a friend through some tough days, and now i realize he likes the idea of me. the classic good girl that could push him to be better. only to leave me hurt in the end right? he's really mad at me right now. told me to never bother speaking to him...i had to leave. as much as he doesn't want me there though, i'm still here and still his friend...like always.

i'm not questioning my decision at all. I want Nick, and i'm happy with him. I just wish i didn't have to lose a friend in the process. you win some you lose some...but the people that walk out of your life were never meant to make it to your future.


Love and miss you bestie <3

Just Another Day

And there's no guarantee...that leaving town's gonna set us both free 

But staying here it's just not what we need ...staying here it's just not what we need.

--At Full Speed, Jack's Mannequin

Had one of those days...couldn't get my head straight. Accidentally slept through work after getting something around 3 hours of sleep last night...had to be around people I just don't want to be around and now I can't sleep. It's midnight and my mind just won't shut off. I feel like I'm running and can't stop. I feel like I write and ramble about the same things over and over again on here...the same shit seems to get under my skin every time. 

Am i really a terrible person if I don't associate myself with those who have no respect for themselves? Does that make me judgmental and a hypocrite? I realized tonight that these pathetic bitches are happy, they choose to live so much in the moment and care nothing about what the future holds...but they are always happy. They always have a friend around, someone to call, no worries about anything; they're always smiling. Am I wrong to think it's not fair? I'm happy with where I'm going with my future...happy with Kat and Nicky Garcia as two of my best friends...happy with Nick who gives me butterflies daily...but for some reason i feel disappointed about things in general. Let's be honest the whole soccer thing is something i'll never be okay with and the last two posts have been excited events that were fleeting moments of distraction. I'm still in what I call "escape mode". Trying to figure out who I am, what I want and with that intense need to just get away. Wish things would just figure themselves out already...these are the days I want to stay in bed and shut everything and everyone out.

Miss and love you nicky. AZ is just too far away.

Parachute

Well, I'm not sure what this is gonna be,
But with my eyes closed all I see
Is the skyline, through the window,
The moon above you and the streets below.
Hold my breath as you're moving in,
Taste your lips and feel your skin.
When the time comes, baby don't run, just kiss me slowly.
--Kiss Me Slowly, Parachute

Thanksgiving has now come and gone and after the past few months I hope things are finally looking up. Only two more weeks of school and a really good chance to get a newer and better job...plus the new boy that keeps me on my toes. It's funny...I'm starting to forget about soccer and how bad things have been. I'll never forget my grandfather and the void left in his death is one that won't be filled. It's the bumps and bruises that make life meaningful and worth every moment. Without them I wouldn't be the silly girl with crazy aspirations, different ways of thinking, and odd sense of how life should go I am today. I guess I realized how much i do have to be thankful for here lately, in the midst of the negative, I found something to look forward to and a reason to be hopeful.

butterflies are back. he's always on my mind. this could be the start of something good and i get the feeling it will work this time. things are right. it feels right. 

miss and loves you best friend!

Slow and Steady

“Whatever you’re doing, you must have patience...there is no progress without change, so you must have patience.”

--John Wooden

They always tell you that patience is a virtue, that the best things in life are worth waiting for. For once...I agree. There are those times or days where things are just right. You go with the flow and let the chips fall where they may and then...it hits you. Things click and as scared as you are you go for it. You make the jump and hope to God you didn't waste the past few months slowly letting your feelings show. Sometimes you get unlucky...other times, it pays off and you meet someone amazing who returns your feelings.

Slow and Steady...it's great.

Love you Nicky. You're my bestie.

Looking Up

You've made a lasting impression, and if it doesn't feel right that I just can't go on.

I've been sleeping with the lights on so if I wake in the night...your picture is clearly in sight.
--The Starting Line, Lasting Impression

I played futsal tonight...it was amazing. I don't care how potentially unsafe it was, how crazy I might be for doing it, or how mad coaches and family might be. I felt alive on the court. The ball at my feet and my mind on the game...it's simply perfect. It's all I want. It was the best therapy for the past few weeks. It gives me a reason to smile..a reason to believe.

This past weekend I got yelled at by a group of girls at a party...the extent being for me to go home because I had no friends. Stupid right? Then i hear that the ring leader sent my roomie a text basically saying I was a downgrade for any guy to be with. A bit extreme on her bitch side. Worst of all...my supposed best friend Crutch stood by and let them yell at me. That hurt the most, especially when he blamed it on me. Let's be honest, if you know me at all or have taken time to read my previous posts you'd know i'm the least confrontational person you are likely to meet. I don't let the words bother me, just with I had a better friend. Seems like I'm back to the Kevin situation all to well. Excuse my bluntness but the pussy seems to always win; friendship is overrated anyways right? Oh, did i mention i got a speeding ticket too? My string of bad luck needs to end...and 2012 needs to help me start anew.

Despite the negative weekend...things are starting to look up. I got to play again, my workouts are amazing, and I'm doing better in classes. Hopefully some other things get better too but that entry may have to wait. Thanksgiving is around the corner too...going to North Carolina again and I'm running in a 5K too. I'm looking forward to seeing the family and having time to just let go for a bit.

love and miss you Nicky. always.

Wasted...

well...i've failed. i spent the last two weeks holding onto the last hope I had to possibly play soccer again...and it's gone. for good. I am at a loss of what to do...where to go. all i want to do is be alone but it's impossible. not to mention my granddaddy passed away and this has been one of the worst weeks of my life. wish i could pack up my bags and leave.

i feel like i've wasted so much time fighting for this dream and this goal...spent so much time dedicating so much time and effort to the game that's meant to much to me for seventeen years. people say to move on, that the future holds so much more but...how do i know. soccer is everything to me...it always has been. i don't want to walk away from it, how can i?

 
i wish i could do it all again. i wish i could start over. i wish none of this had ever happened. 

No explanation

don't think i need any explanation...

This Sucks

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
--Washington Irving

I really wish I could feel better. but i'm still not sleeping, still thinking about what to do now that soccer...my one outlet...is gone. i've been running to clear my head and spending a lot of time alone. i don't want to bring anyone down or put the misery on anyone else. but i'm getting grief for not going out and not talking and staying to myself...can't get it right can i.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. Letting go won't happen anytime soon...i'm giving up on trying to have people understand. this sucks.

lost the game...lost my dog....and a funeral for my grandfather is looming.

i've had enough bad news for awhile.

One of these nights...

"you're always haunted by the idea that you're wasting your life...."

funny those conversations you thought would just be endless arguing, pointless, and a waste of time turn out to be the ones that make you think...think of what kind of person you portray yourself as, think of who you are, think of why things are like this...and how the hell everything managed to get so fucked up.

  

Him...be careful when you blink, cause you're gonna miss out on something.

Me: here i am, twenty years old and just...ughh. i spent the better part of my younger years in central arkansas; it's no secret that i wish our family had been placed somewhere different. I didn't fit there...i don't talk to the kids i spent seven years getting to know. i have no...hold there. sadly...i think saint mary may be my new Cabot. the drama, the insincere people, the pressure to fit the mold...it just doesn't work for me. I'm not that girl and never will be. i criticized this guy for telling me i was different, that i was the special breed of girl that people needed to recognize. but the truth is, i am. i don't beat to the drum of the mob...i have my own off beat patterns that make no sense to anyone but me. does that make me better? definitely not. i've made my fair share of mistakes and told him more than once that i am not happy with the person i've become as of late. then there's soccer and school and the future. i feel like i write about them constantly...complaining that each dimension is going wrong or just not right. but what else can i do? soccer is just soccer still. love the game but not nearly as much as i used to. school is stressful and junior/senior year is significantly harder than the past two. the future...wow the future. once upon a time i had it all figured out. once upon a time i wasn't quite so freaked out.

Him...what happened? where is the girl that used to be confident and sure of herself? 

Me: problem is...i've never been sure of myself. i've been comfortable with playing my role...my parents need me to be independent, my friends need me to be the pillar of support, my team needs me to be a fearless leader, my teacher's need me to be a prestigious student. Where does this leave me? emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted...but putting on the smile that will help others get by.

Him...what are you running from? what do you want?

Me: i'm running from the person i've become...i should be so much better. there are things that i've done and people i've hurt that i can't just let go. i have to learn from it.parts of me are never going to work right, not after the damage they've been through. and i don't know what i want. i used to have the perfect idea of where i was going and how things would end up. now...i'm not so sure

the conversation wasn't what i expected. might he get a little offended reading this? sure. but i just...i guess learned a little about myself through it. am i unhappy where i'm at right now, yes. will it change, yes. i'm that girl that doesn't think just about me...i'm that girl who might hate a place or situation but deals with it because it makes the people around me smile. it's never been just about me and it never will be. i can't bring myself to consider myself more important or better than others. there are points when I have to learn to let go. and even more important i have to learn the difference in letting go and giving up...cause i guess it doesn't mean that i'm giving up, i tried right? it's more about letting life take its course and letting time heal all wounds. understood or misunderstood, agree or disagree...i am the way i am.

one of these nights i'll get it right...one of these nights i'll fall asleep knowing tomorrow won't be so bad. forever fearless...the motto i wish i could live up to.

Beedizzle

when you have the time...you should read my friend Bee's blog. she and i are so much alike it's scary...and i'm not sure if we've decided that it's a good thing or bad thing...

she's a smart, beautiful lady...and she says the things i can't sometimes. it may be sad but i'm glad it proves we aren't alone.


and miss beedizzle, i don't think you complain too much at all.
love and miss you Nicky.

When You're Lonely

It's been...rough the past few weeks. or years should I say. I don't know what my problem really is as of late; there is such a mix of things running through my head. From soccer to school to friends to relationships...it just doesn't work for me.

soccer is just soccer...i love the game still, always will. but something about this place just drags it down. i'm sick of trying with it, sick of losing, sick of being so down and trying to help. its too late to transfer...and the option of not playing next year just...seems so wrong and impossible. it's the same with school. i'm so close to being done but no close enough. truth is, i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to deal with the people or the classes...i just want out. away from the midwest and somewhere more...me.

so what do you do? when you feel so absolutely alone that you find yourself hiding from people...putting in headphones so you don't have to talk, blogging because you can't talk...laying in bed alone watching movie after movie, crying yourself to sleep...but all the while telling everyone you're okay. how do you get away from feeling so...lost.

it drives me crazy that so many people are telling me how "amazing and special" i am. i get it, i'm different...i'm the girl that told you no, the girl that didn't fall for the charm and didn't drop her pants. I'm not a prize to be won or something to be put on a pedestal. i've made my mistakes...there is a difference between the "idea" of me...and me. figure it out cause i'm not trying anymore. It's not a fairytale.

 

Take a chance...

I found myself stuck on tumbler the past couple of nights...unsure of how to write what i'm feeling, unsure of which emotion to express. so, here i am staring at the computer screen and words escape me. Good thing pictures are worth a thousand words...

this last one means a lot...i'm ready to make that leap and never look back.

I miss you Nicky. everyday.

Sing Along

"My heart's a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every note, oh oh.
Make me your radio
Turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
Just sing along to my stereo"

--Stereo Hearts

I never get tired of music. It's the words I can't say, the feelings I can't describe; they come out in music, in lyrics...in the melody. It really kills me that I've never been musically talented. I can't sing, can't play an instrument, can't even dance. If there is one talent I would love to have it would be to somehow musically inclined. Playing the piano is a dream I've always wanted to accomplish, but have fallen short on time and time again. It's sad...but I've promised myself that the kids I have someday will learn how to play. 

This was possibly a meaningless post, but with the stress I've been feeling the past few weeks music has been my only solace. Putting in the headphones and shutting the world out, alone in my room, it's perfect. I'm still going back and forth to the doctors trying to figure out what's wrong, playing on a broken toe, dealing with drama...Freud would find my unconscious in total chaos right now. An epic battle going down between the id, ego, and super ego.

Oh well...homework beckons. Headphones in, world off for one more night.

I miss you Nicky.

Mirror On the Wall...

With everything happening today
You don't know whether you’re coming or going
But you think that you’re on your way
Life lined up on the mirror don't blow it
Look at me when I'm talking to you
You looking at me but I’m looking through you
I see the blood in your eyes
I see the love in disguise
I see the pain hidden in your pride
I see you’re not satisfied
And I don't see nobody else
I see myself I’m looking at the
Mirror on the wall, here we are again
Through my rise and fall
You’ve been my only friend
You told me that they can understand the man I am
So why are we here talkin’ to each other again

~Lil' Wayne ft. Bruno Mars~

This song is perfect for me right now. Biggest obstacle is myself, person holding me back the most is myself. My sister and bestie Nicky have noticed that I'm just not happy as of late. Soccer, school, friends, family...nothing gets it right. I have no one to blame but myself, and I can only trust myself to fix it.

Time After Time

Another game...another injury. This time I'm in a boot.

I've held it together thus far, but come bed time and the more tired I get the more strength and positive thinking I'm losing. I should be used to this by now...it's so frustrating. I don't want to throw in the towel but I'm so tired of it always happening to me.I'm at the point of giving up...time after time I can't seem to catch a break.

Ramblings...

"The greatest battle is not physical but psychological. The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good. They must always be answered by the quiet, steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage. We all suffer. Keep going.

--Graeme Fife

I love this quote, I think it shows how I'm feeling without me having to say anything. 

I've been borderline angry and upset for the past two weeks now. Soccer is in full swing and of course I can't get into a season without some type of injury. This time it's the hamstring...strained it in the last eight minutes of the game and haven't been able to walk properly for two days. But we have a game Friday...so I have to push through it. Aside from soccer I'm still dealing with medical issues and have yet to find an answer or solution to what's going on inside my body. And I haven't been showing how completely drained I am...mentally, physically, and emotionally just exhausted from everything day in and day out. Add classes to the mix. Great combination right? Such an exciting existence for a twenty year old. Guess I did ask for it...I chose my major, a stressful job, to play soccer...all of it. 

I go through this every season it seems now; questioning why I am still playing...if I love the sport and if I love psychology. I always find my way back to the field and books but...one of these days I'll be ready to let go.

This post is dragging on...there is so much to say and so much that's been on my mind. I've come to the aid of a good friend several times in the last month because of stupid girls...constantly telling him how much better he deserves. He flipped the script on me; tried to start a relationship. I felt and still feel like a complete bitch for telling him no, telling him that our friendship is more important to me...that I'm just not attracted to him. Come to find out that this girl is still texting him and three other friends of mine. They all fell for it too. Seriously. Maybe I'm picky or too shy and not to sound like a high school lonely girl but goodness gracious WHY!? So many times I hear the complaints about sluts or mean girls...so many times I've been the shoulder to cry on for my boys. Where in the world did I cross that friend zone boundary with almost every boy I meet. It's absolutely frustrating. How people can treat one another with so much disrespect...how they can throw away perfectly good chances at relationships and then complain and expect sympathy that they are alone or got hurt. I don't understand it. I've been told I'm the kinda girl you take home to mom. Not the kind you date and have fun with no, the girl who was always your friend, hanging in the background helping you get through shit...the girl you marry.Sure as hell can't marry me if you won't take the time to open your eyes and give me a chance.

Gahhh...I'm done. Rambling is through for today.

Isn't it ironic.

Miss beedizzle murphy i must say you are not alone. not alone in the slightest. 

this is that part where you're not supposed to feel sad
this is the part when you shouldn't feel lonely, the part where you should have confidence in yourself
this is the part where you don't have to hide...the part where you dont have to close the door, don't have to shut the world out...the part where you don't need tears to help you sleep.

its been a rough start to the school year. summer's over...classes have started but i can't help but feel a sense of dread. i still don't know what's wrong with me medically, i'm missing my best friend more and more each day, and i'm finding it pointless to try and make attempts to have new friends. at the same time...i absolutely hate being alone. ironic right?


who knows anymore.

Be you.

"Sometimes you feel like you're going to be tested, sometimes you're gonna feel like you can't take anymore...sometimes you're going to want to quit; but God only gives you the battles He knows you can handle"

Yeah...I wish He didn't trust me so much. Preseason has been a killer so far, three days of three a days with two to go. It's not the fitness that's killing me, I'm beasting with that. Keeping myself in the top three and pushing through the workouts as best I can. My problems are coming from medical issues. My mom thinks I might have mono...again...which I'm praying is not the case. My sister freaks me out even more when she worries and asks questions, and all I know is that I want to get to the doctor and figure out what's wrong with me. I want to be able complete these workouts without feeling utterly exhausted. I want to not feel like I'm putting my health at risk. I don't want to miss any soccer either, dealing with so many injuries in the past I just want the season where we can actually do well not to be one I have to watch from the sidelines. I've worked hard all summer to be in good shape and been working to earn my starting spot...this game means everything to me.

One of my best friends told me he knows I'll be able to handle this cause God knows I can handle it...I hope he's putting his trust in the right person.

For You.

I missed you...more than I thought I would.

When you said you would stop by, I had my reservations. My heart's healed for the most part...but that extra hard thump I got seeing you at the door had me thinking the stitches would burst back open. But we held it together...proved we both still care, and we are capable of being the friends we need in one another.

I never wanted to lose you and I was never going anywhere. I'm glad we're friends.

All these bitches...

"I got a gypsy soul to blame and I was born for leaving..."

--Colder Weather

What a rough week. Went home and hated it...I fight too much with parents and just can't handle being around for more than a couple hours. Then i get ratted out about being ready to leave and now i got these crazy bitches at work and soccer. Control freak much? Get over yourself lady, you'll never be everyone's best friend and you'll never be a friend to me. Get over yourselves!!  I get it, I'm not the easiest person to get along with. Stubborn as hell and probably a handful at times...and that i'm insecure about a lot of stuff. I think people misinterpret my motives and actions all too often. For the most part i'm chill and laid back...sure I act like a kid and get excited about little things but goodness gracious I'm just trying to have fun and live the life of a 20 year old. Cut me some slack, I'll mess up occasionally,...possibly piss some people off. I'm trying...

And people wonder why I enjoy being on my own and ready to get out.

For the better

I've always had this intense fear of being wrong, of hurting someone...the whole idea of thinking just for yourself doesn't make sense to me. But i'm trying to change...for the better.

You haven't changed...and I deserve better than that. I don't care about it anymore, so stop trying. I've moved on to something better; better than you will ever be.

Proved you wrong on all accounts.

Frustrated

Up at 5am and moving til 9pm, welcome to the life of an adult right? I've always said I've loved having multiple jobs and loved being busy...and don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy how things are going right now. But today and yesterday were beyond frustrating...my problem is people. The kids I work with are ridiculously messed up partially because of genetic or environmental issues that affected development, but mainly because of their parents. The way parents degrade their kids, don't reprimand them, or just don't care...I don't get it! It makes no sense why someone would have a child...you have to have a license to drive, be a certain age to buy cigarettes or drink alcohol; but absolutely anyone can be a parent. It's ridiculous.
My life has just been a roller coaster this week...had to take my first breathalizer at a party I wasn't even drinking at. I go to parties to be the DD and make sure my friends and people I care about are safe, and yet I get crucified by the cops. Sure they were doing their jobs and have to assume the worse but come on, I'm a good and always have been. It bugs the shit out of me that I try to do the right thing but am guilty by association. Stuck between a rock and hard place...should I just go back to being a loner? And that new crush? Forget about it. Fucked that up somehow too. Feels like I just can't get anything right.

I'm just in that escape mode again. Ready to break free and run away. Sad but true. Get me out of here, please.